kiyo 清's question (14)

yukio from blue exorcist and takemichi from tokyo revengers

i feel so listless. like i've never and will never amount to anything. and idk it doesn't feel like it's just in a self-deprecating sense. i don't have any dreams or aspirations. i don't really like being around anyone but i force it when needed. i have simple hobbies that i think i pretend to like more than i actually do. i fear that i have no love for no person, no thing, and not myself. like i don't have a personality. i go to uni and plan to go to med school, but it is not for myself. when i was younger i would tell my mom that i had no dreams and she would get so angry at me. she doesn't believe that people can have no dreams. is that so abnormal? i just wish to have a humble life by myself, but even then i feel i will always be empty. growing up i've always had sxcidal thoughts, but now that i'm older it feels like i was so stupid. there's no point in dying. but is living like this even living? is there any point to anything i do? to wake up, study, eat, work, indulge in simple pleasures?

Growing up I never thought I'd make it to 18, but here I am 19 and still alive. I've struggled with suicidal ideation and stuff which explains my way of thinking back then. And I'm not fully "cured" or whatever now, but even aside from that I just can't imagine myself growing old. I was watching an anime earlier and someone in the comments started off with "I'm 40..." and I genuinely thought to myself "damn". I just can't imagine being 40 and doing the things I enjoy now like indulging in K-pop, anime, manga, etc. What would I even need to live that long for? It really stumps me idk how people can just keep going idk Maybe it's cause I don't really feel like I have a life's purpose yet. I'm just a random college student. Maybe once I get a job or something I'll think differently. And maybe it's just my poor mental health thinking this, but idk I feel like even without it I'd still think the same. I just feel like on the inside I'll never grow up as fast as I'm aging.

Growing up I never went out/my parent never took me out. Whether it be out to eat, to the mall, movies. Really anywhere. Only on special occasions or maybe once every other month sometimes.
I never discussed it with ppl cause I thought it was normal. But once I got social media I realized that ppl go out nearly every day even on school days or getting food with family and friends. Now I'm 19, and idk if it's related, but I developed to have severe social anxiety, so even when my friends wanna go out I'm very scared of going out/hanging out with them. Even to lunch or something simple.

I really love blue lock, tokyo revengers, and wind breaker (the manga). I'm looking for similar recommendations! I want the art to be similar too, so "modern" as opposed to an old school style. please help bro i need something to read

i don't really like media manhwa/manga/shows etc. with a female lead. i just don't like the way that females are portrayed in media. especially if it happens to be romance and the relationship with the ml.
idk i love real life women (this sound incel af lmao) and have good relationships irl this just pertains to online media. maybe i just had a bad impression, but idk. this can't just be me? i just can't find it in me to read or watch anything if a female is the mc. maybe give me something good idk if i'll read it though RIP

growing up and even now my mom says a lot of cursewords/calls me bad names in her native language. since I grew up with her like that I'm very desensitized, but now that I'm older and think about the things she says by converting them to english it was actually a big eye opener. if she talked to me the way she does in public using english instead someone might actually call the police LMAO. i just never realized it cause I always concidered english words more harsh as i grew up in the states, mostly, but if you translate what she says it it's even worse than english curse words.

I've always wanted to get older, but now not so much... I like the idea of getting older and having my own place and a stable job with independence, but I'm just in the awkward college still sort of a-kid phase. Growing up I was always the youngest in a situation and I feel like that's all I could really offer. I just finished my first year of uni and now that I'm entering my second year I won't be "babied" anymore since I'm not a first-year my age is really hitting me. And I know it sounds stupid cause technically I'm 19 and not quite "old" yet, but I feel like I'm at a turning point right now. Like something is changing. I don't know. I hated being a kid cause I had a rough upbringing, but I'm clinging to the past like a lifeline. It's pathetic, but I feel like I have no more excuses for how underdeveloped and how stupid I still feel now.

I can't fucking stand people who hate works because it's gotten "too popular" or the "fandom is too cringe". I don't mind when people hate shit just because they don't like it, but when people start hating stuff cause it's "overhyped" or they don't like the fandom it's just so fucking stupid. It's so elitist. Can't you enjoy something or hate something using your own fucking opinion without being persuaded by a community? Terrible people in a fandom exist for literally every piece of media and literature just because you don't see it doesn't mean they don't exist.

does anyone else stalk other peoples accounts on here? whether it be to look at their bio/their reading lists or even just read through all their questions and responses throughout the years

ps. if you reply to this i'm gonna look through ur entire account /srs

i wanted to have tea. i saw that we had green tea in the house. so i brewed it and drank it. it was so good i brewed a second. now my stomach is in fucking shambles. i looked at the tea packet and am realizing it's my moms asian probiotic green tea that she get's at this sketchy ass shop that definitely has some laxatives in it.
i feel like i might die bro.
never drinking tea again fuckkkk

hey guys!! i've been wanting to get into makeup for a while, but am not sure how to go about it. i'm not really looking for full glam just light coverage for an everyday look. i'm not a complete noob, so I know what everything is (mostly). just overall tips on what products/brands to purchase! and best ways to apply! if it's of any help i'm asian and a uni student. thank you :)

the entire concept of saving face just pisses me off.

i understand it as a concept when it comes to acquaintances/colleagues and such, where if you don't see someone much or are in a professional relationship then you want to show them only you're best side as you aren't intending to get too close to them. however, i'm from east asia (japan) where saving face even applies to your own family. i've spent a lot of time in the states and studying english which is why i can recognize this, but is it not strange to need to save face to your own parents and siblings? doesn't necessarily apply for me personally, but for example my family is always hiding who they are from their own siblings and parents and only showing their best side. i understand parents to an extent because of the generation gap, but your siblings? there's like this underlying jealousy and competition where you have to be the best, brag about your children and your life in order to save face and garner the most jealousy towards yourself. even towards their own friends. my mother is always telling me how to act when we visit and she never shares anything bad just always talking about others and putting herself in the best light while her friends do the same. idk if i explained it the best, but is this concept of saving face normal everywhere? i thought if you're considered close to your family and friends you would share everything not only trying to showcase the best

i'm unable to form any meaningful connections. i had a group of friends in hs, but i was so anxious all the time that I would literally avoid them when it got too bad and I would never hang out with them outside of school. we'd rarely even text. keep in mind i've been friends with them since 5th grade. they'd always joke about how hard it was to reach me and that after hs they'd probably never see me again (not cause they hate me but because i'm so unreachable). whenever we would see each other at school/in class we were close friends and on grad day we took many pictures as a group and it was fun. after grad though since we never really texted (they text just not with me) we grew apart. they reach out to me individually to talk sometimes (i've never been able to reach out in my life). so that's the extent of my hs friendship. i feel like i'll see them some time and it'll be like the old days still.. i just finished my 1st year of uni and contrary to my belief did make another friend group. again i would always avoid them when my anxiety got too bad, but they'd drag me to their dorms and we'd hang out pretty often. but once again i refuse to go off campus with them. now during the summer we used to send tiktoks or even text. but stopped after a while. my friends even tried face timing me (i came up with an excuse then never face timed after). eventually, i needed to get a new number and I still haven't told them it. and now it's just a standstill. they don't have my number, but they could still reach out to me through other things. not that it's on them to reach out to me. i'm rooming with my friends next year so we'll still be friends though. just feel like i'll be even more anxious now that i have no where to run.
i think i have an issue. people always come to me and somehow i push them away always. my mind can't seem to tell the difference between a friend and a stranger. i'm anxious around them all the same.

what is wrong with me?
(feel free to ask clarifying questions)