Lilypad's question (10)

Ive been looking back at my friendship with someone I used to consider my best friend and wow. Genuinely didnt realise how one-sided and how much emotional labour (?) I was doing for her. At first I didnt mind because I knew she really needed it and wasnt constant. But over the years its become so much. Obviously not online anymore bc of how distant we've become but in real life its just exhausting. It wasnt even like this at first and our friendship was good, i dont even know what went wrong.
I get we dont have much else to talk about but its just the same points over and over again all day, theres only so much validating and different responses or advice I can come up with to the same situation. Its always something which pops up or happens atleast every couple of weeks.

And I get how exhausting it must be for her, but at some point I just cant really feel sympathy anymore. It just makes me feel like shit because it just doesnt feel real anymore because stuff just keeps happening because of the friend group she's in. Not the best comparison and probably insensitive but its like im watching an interactive drama show or something. I feel so bad but I honestly just dont care anymore. Its horrible that she's stressed but there's not much I can do. I cant imagine how much it'll be for her other friends because we barely speak anymore and I find it overwhelming sometimes.

Ive become close to some other people and I genuinely notice the difference in how I feel with them vs her. They actually listen to what im saying and respond with things which are "oh yea, mhm" or some other way to end what im speaking about. I dont really feel the need to say things quickly because I dont want to be cut off or waste their time. I can be as silly/cringe as I want to be. I can majority of the time tell them stuff which is bothering me without fear of judgement or shit talking. It isn't mostly just me planning stuff to do. Its honestly so nice.

Idk why i even wrote this. I just think I need to share this with someone other than my mum. (Can't tell my other friends all this cause they know her and I dont want to seem like im shit talking..)

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Another depressing thing wow yay, I just honestly dont know what to do anymore. I know this is all probably in my head but I cant shake this feeling. I dont think they hate me I just think im an afterthought. Honestly if I just stopped showing up nobody really care. Im stuck feeling awful and like i have no true friends then I get a crumb of attention, a dm or just someone replying to my message and I feel like none of what I felt was true then I start feeling sad again and it fucking repeats.
I try to make a joke and they dont even let me finish and brush me off. I try to include myself and it just doesn't work, I feel like I make things awkward. Ive never felt more shame from being myself before. I just dont feel like im the same kind of human being as these people and I dont like it. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I dont even know what im looking for by posting this but I just need someone atleast to know that im feeling this way. I have no one who I can tell this to personally without feeling like im burdening them with my feelings.

I never really realised how low my self-esteem was until I looked at a photo (0.5) a friend took of me recently and realised I didn't hate the way I looked. I actually liked it despite the angle and how it makes my eyes point outward. Before this would be something I would be begging for them to delete.

I scrolled through my camera roll and I couldn't find any photos I took of myself in the past at all. Besides acouple in group settings. It made me sorta sad but also happy at the same time? Idk.

Honestly didn't have anyone to share this with bc I don't really talk to my friends about stuff like that so why not just say this to a bunch of strangers.

I want to reconnect with my childhood friend.
The last time I had contact with her was in 2020 but the last time I saw her was late 2018 I cant remember when she moved.
I really really want to catch up with her but she's changed SO much and I haven't really. Of course ive matured and ive grown out of some of my old interests. She doesn't really like 'weird' stuff anymore just from what im seeing from her instagram. I know you shouldn't assume because of that but like idk.
We weren't really the best for each other and we did have our moments but I honestly really cherish our memories together. We used to spend ages talking to each other whether it was on the home phone or on roblox. She was one of my first friends.

I really want to hear about her life now and whats changed since we last spoke. But im so so scared she won't want to talk to me. Not alot has changed for me. Im right where I always was. Im probably over thinking it but I dont want to reach out and it to end up in disaster.

Been mourning a friendship I knew was going to end, just didnt think they'd start acting mean to me, then when I asked if I'd done anything bc they acted annoyed whenever I tried to speak to them and act like they wanted any convos we had to finish fast, said they just "didnt like how I act" aka my personality. Which is fucking fine, it just doesnt explain why they are acting like a bitch to me. Ive literally been so fucking nice this whole time even when they've repeatedly hurt my feelings. I just want to sink into the ground and not see anyone for a long time. Can't even avoid them rn cause we go to the same school and courses! i dont even know how im going to act around them anymore. I hope they just ignore me. I actually dont think I could take it if they keep playing this hot cold game with me.

I thought I could take whatever problem they had with me when I asked, but knowing they just dont like me for being myself hurts so fucking bad. They said I started acting differently recently, the only thing ive changed is ive started talking about my interests and not agreeing with everything people say if I dont agree. 7 years of memories tainted ig.

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My friends are like huge shit talkers, mostly for valid shit but there's like this one friend which gets pissy over a lot of small stuff lately, its not often but its often enough that it makes me think of everything I say or do is pissing them off and its horrible. She has said she has been off her meds and I feel like that might be why.
Its not like I can say anything either because they are like my bestfriend and I really want to keep this friendship because we've been friends for years and I really love being her friend, but sometimes it just feels like I have to censor myself around them?

Like I was asking another friend about what bls she reads because I learnt she read some and idk if she was joking or not (she struggles with tone) but she went 'really?' and I felt shitty because maybe I was interrupting her or something. She doesn't mind that I read bl that I know of.

She's a really great friend otherwise but like idk how to stop feeling like this or how to bring it up without feeling like I'm attacking her for it.

Do you guys ever subtly try to bring up your birthday is soon whenever it comes around bc you dont expect people to remember but also want them to know bc you'll feel alittle bit sad if they remember other people's birthdays but not yours, esp cause you view them as close friends even tho they provably dont consider you the same

I really am a boring person, aswell as quiet and awkward. I dont really go outside often besides for school. My friends don't like what i like (Bl, manhwas, manhuas) while we do have some interests in common like playing some of the same games, watching some of the same animes and shows, there's not alot else.

I dont know how to start a conversation if I dont really have anything to say majority of the time. I know you need to keep talking to each other to maintain a degree of friendship. I dont really have any close friends anymore. I cant talk to people everyday, ill talk to them if I come up with something to talk about or if they talk to me first and I'll just listen to them talk to me about their interests, ill ask questions even if im not interested and (hopefully) look engaged in what they are saying. I'll maybe dm someone once a month if I get into a show or something which they like but other than that I dont get any dms nor do I dm anyone else.
Im just wondering if anyone would have any advice for me, I know its dumb to ask this on a reading website but I genuinely dont know where else to go.