Lilypad's question (7)

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meowmeowmeow. 25 Meow meow meow meow, hiss meow hiss meow!

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Tldr: 24 meowmeow 18 meowmeow 25 hisshiss meow meow.

Another depressing thing wow yay, I just honestly dont know what to do anymore. I know this is all probably in my head but I cant shake this feeling. I dont think they hate me I just think im an afterthought. Honestly if I just stopped showing up nobody really care. Im stuck feeling awful and like i have no true friends then I get a crumb of attention, a dm or just someone replying to my message and I feel like none of what I felt was true then I start feeling sad again and it fucking repeats.
I try to make a joke and they dont even let me finish and brush me off. I try to include myself and it just doesn't work, I feel like I make things awkward. Ive never felt more shame from being myself before. I just dont feel like im the same kind of human being as these people and I dont like it. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I dont even know what im looking for by posting this but I just need someone atleast to know that im feeling this way. I have no one who I can tell this to personally without feeling like im burdening them with my feelings.

I never really realised how low my self-esteem was until I looked at a photo (0.5) a friend took of me recently and realised I didn't hate the way I looked. I actually liked it despite the angle and how it makes my eyes point outward. Before this would be something I would be begging for them to delete.

I scrolled through my camera roll and I couldn't find any photos I took of myself in the past at all. Besides acouple in group settings. It made me sorta sad but also happy at the same time? Idk.

Honestly didn't have anyone to share this with bc I don't really talk to my friends about stuff like that so why not just say this to a bunch of strangers.

Aita meowmeowmewow, meowmeow.

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Meowmeow aita?

Tldr: meow 25 meows meowsmeowmeow meow meow meow.

My friends are like huge shit talkers, mostly for valid shit but there's like this one friend which gets pissy over a lot of small stuff lately, its not often but its often enough that it makes me think of everything I say or do is pissing them off and its horrible. She has said she has been off her meds and I feel like that might be why.
Its not like I can say anything either because they are like my bestfriend and I really want to keep this friendship because we've been friends for years and I really love being her friend, but sometimes it just feels like I have to censor myself around them?

Like I was asking another friend about what bls she reads because I learnt she read some and idk if she was joking or not (she struggles with tone) but she went 'really?' and I felt shitty because maybe I was interrupting her or something. She doesn't mind that I read bl that I know of.

She's a really great friend otherwise but like idk how to stop feeling like this or how to bring it up without feeling like I'm attacking her for it.

Do you guys ever subtly try to bring up your birthday is soon whenever it comes around bc you dont expect people to remember but also want them to know bc you'll feel alittle bit sad if they remember other people's birthdays but not yours, esp cause you view them as close friends even tho they provably dont consider you the same

I really am a boring person, aswell as quiet and awkward. I dont really go outside often besides for school. My friends don't like what i like (Bl, manhwas, manhuas) while we do have some interests in common like playing some of the same games, watching some of the same animes and shows, there's not alot else.

I dont know how to start a conversation if I dont really have anything to say majority of the time. I know you need to keep talking to each other to maintain a degree of friendship. I dont really have any close friends anymore. I cant talk to people everyday, ill talk to them if I come up with something to talk about or if they talk to me first and I'll just listen to them talk to me about their interests, ill ask questions even if im not interested and (hopefully) look engaged in what they are saying. I'll maybe dm someone once a month if I get into a show or something which they like but other than that I dont get any dms nor do I dm anyone else.
Im just wondering if anyone would have any advice for me, I know its dumb to ask this on a reading website but I genuinely dont know where else to go.