M.H senpai's question (3)

I've known mangago for years
( Since 2017 and this is my new acc since I forgot the PW or my main) I thought everyone is just here to read I never knew that you can upload chapter and chat about your experience also asking questions which I just found out recently. Everyday I just come here and read after I finished I do something else I never knew that we can chat... This is quite surprising to me damn I need to check out more about this instead of just reading and then leave

A few weeks ago I transfer to a new school because my house is too far so my mom transfer me to that new school (right now we're studying online since there's too many covid cases). I thought I won't make any friend until this one day the teacher told us to get into pair and work together for the whole term but we didn't get to pick our partner. My teacher made me get into pair with this girl which we call he lina she's very quiet , sensitive and many more... At first I was texting her because there's a presentation (pair presentation) and surprisingly we have many similarities and we get along pretty well, we texted everyday I don't get along with people much I don't know how to start a conversation personally but I'm pretty confident at texting... And sometimes we even share secrets but everything didn't last that long... 2 weeks ago something happened I was texting her and suddenly there's some error with my phone I couldn't texted her back 2 hours later it's back to normal and I received a notification about her texting me why did you left me on read? I tried to explain everything to her about my phone being error and I thought everything was my fault she's still angry at me for about 1 weeks after that I couldn't receive any notification from her or should I say she didn't text me I thought she was busy so I didn't texted her back since I'm scared that I might bother her I'm scared that I will lost my friend again and again which is normal to me since I experience it many times after that she blocked me and texted me in my other social media saying sorry you're not active so I have to block you but she never told me the reason why? Do you block people who didn't text you for only 1 week? You said you're busy that's why I don't want to bother you. Did I do something wrong? Why didn't you texted me and explain to me what I did wrong? Why didn't you listen to my explanation first? 3 weeks after she blocked me she texted me using telegram (she blocked me on snapchat) I thought she forgave me for something I haven't done but she's just using me to help her with the presentation which I have to make it by myself (it supposed to be pair work) I realized that all her kindness and sweetness are just an act for me to become a tool for her , she never thought of me as a friend. And that's not the end yet... But I still don't understand wh can't she just tell me why? What's the reason? Did I do something wrong? If I do then I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt anyone I don't want to make anyone suffer like I do.

Am I not skinny enough? Am I too ugly? Am I too tall? Am I too annoying? Am I too dumb? Am I too carless? Am I too lazy? Am I too boring? Am I too problematic? Am I too emotional? Am I toxic? Am I cold? Am I bothering you? Am I just a toy to you? Am I just a stranger to you? Am I a study machine? Am I supposed to be honest about what I'm thinking? Am I supposed to show you everything on my phone so that I won't have any privacy? Am I supposed to be dead? Am I supposed not to be born? Then why did you give birth to me? I didn't asked to be born you won't fucking listen to my thoughts you fucking force me to do things I don't want to you made my life hopeless and completely miserable and because of you I can't have any friends because of you I got bullied at school because of you I started to hurt myself because of you I tried to kill myself because of you I have to suffer from different types of mental health
Don't force me to go outside I'm scared of them they will look at me and my body they will cat call me they will stare at me as if I'm just a toy for men to play with they think that a girl is just an object to continue giving birth they will see my face they will laugh at me I'm not who I am anymore I don't know what's going on I don't understand myself I can't control it I'm tired of holding it for a long time but you won't listen I want to finish of but there's still things I haven't finished I haven't finished my anime yet I haven't finished reading all the fanfic, manga, manhwa, manhua and novels yet I haven't finished watching my donghua yet I still haven't fall in love yet I still haven't have someone to rely on yet I haven't found my true friend yet I haven't finished everything that is important to me yet I haven't finished the ending of detective Conan yet but I just wanna leave everything and sleep peacefully forever and forever so that I won't have to do everything I want to be a cold hearted person so I don't have to feel everything so deeply but how?