Still struggling

I’ve tried multiple times but I vividly remember one time, I locked myself in the bathroom and drank peroxide thinking that would work but it didn’t I was laying in pain in the dark crying while my mother yelled at me for self-harming a few days prior, I was in such pain and I don’t remember much but going to bed and waking up, I still struggle so much quietly. I’m 19 and I still have thoughts and I’ve not received help because my mother doesn’t believe in mental illness or things like that so I’ve just struggled. I’ve told myself when I turn 25 if I haven’t yet received help and can’t reach out to someone because of my mother, I have planned to end it all and not look back. Please if you can get help do it don’t stay in the dark places of your mind reach out to someone please.