suicidal, manic episodes.

i have tried to kill myself around i think 10 times? i am severely mentally manic, and not okay. but i cannot tell anyone, you know why? because my head tells me it’s a bad idea. so i never tell anyone i know who are close to me. because i don’t want them to know. i was verbally abused and ABANDONED because of the way i am. i am AFRAID of telling anyone about my true self. now, trigger warning i’m about to talk about deep shit.
i have thoughts of killing people and abusing the shit out of them just because they pissed me off. i never do any of it, but it’s a very big concern for me.
i have almost tried to kill my own dog because she pissed me off. i thought of literally kicking the shit out of her and strangling her to death. these thoughts terrify me. i don’t know what to do anymore. it’s quite serious. anyways, this is my experience with mental health. i know this is probably quite serious or whatever. but i don’t want to go back to therapy. i hate it there. it’s suffocating. even though it’s for me to get better, i can’t stand that place.