I'm crying a little, after a VERY RECENT EXPERIENCE THAT I CAN'T STOP REGRETTING

Flashback to 3 years ago, I meet a girl (I'm a girl too, fyi) who ticks off everything on my friend criteria. I'm fresh off the plane from New Zealand, and a young and questioning 14 year old. Fast forward a year later, the two of us are basically spamming each other with messages on Facebook, and occasionally we are up at 3am - me helping her with maths assignments while also procrastinating and sharing images of Hana and Baozi. I also come out to her, after realising she was very openly queer.

Fast forward another year to 2016. We stopped talking for a while, I think she was going through a lot of anxiety, and I started developing feelings (?) for her. It was more like, I really really really REALLY wanted to be her friend. We only had one class together so there was very little talking except with all of our friends in the library. It's our last year of high school, and slowly, we're getting a bit closer. During the 3 years, she'd been the only one who knew I was bi/pan. I was a very, vERY closeted queer. My straight friends were probably gayer than me.

Anyway, party 1. These are not house parties where people get vomit-curdling drunk, or people crash their cars, but a small bottle-of-cider party after our graduation. I was still sorta on the I-think-I-just-really-like-her-as-a-friend-hahahaha-I'm-not-going-to-admit-that-I-like-her-as-more-than-that-bc-crushes-are-a-pain-in-the-ass-and-I-won't-accept-it-so-I'll-just-refer-to-her-as-"lowkey crush"-as-I-have-been-for-the-past-6-months-plus-she-claims-she-hates-relationships-and-crushes-bc-they're-always-straight-so-I-have-no-chance-with-her-anyway with my feelings. So, it's 2am and she's tipsy, I'm lying on the floor, and she comes back from the bathroom, and straddles me. I am flustered. Things happen, we are high-fiving each other with our feet, she says that's how lesbians have sex, I am suddenly openly queer to 4 of my friends, her foot is caressing my thighs, the lights turn off. In the dark, I'm laid on the floor next to her side on the bed (after regretfully rejecting her offer to lay in it next to her), and she strokes my hand with her fingers as the 6 of us play truth or dare, and she falls asleep 2 hours later. I admit that I like her.

Forward another month, it's our Christmas party and she tackles me from behind. We are both screaming and laughing, and she won't let go. 2 hours later I have a buzz lightyear mask on my face and she is sensually scraping/massaging my head with her nails like the buzz lightyear mask was some kinky roleplay idea. 20 minutes later I am being hugged from the side. She is small. I didn't hug one of my friends back earlier so I didn't want anyone to think I liked my crush by hugging her back.

Forward again a week, it's my friend's birthday party. Nothing really happens. She "glomps" me and we both fall off the sofa laughing/crying, I sleep horizontally from her in the tent. Holy shit wait, there was a lot of queer problem talking, and her lipsyncing love songs to me. Rip me that night.

[chats happen online where I mention my antisocialness and she jokingly acts offended saying she "thought we had something gay goddamnit"]

Again, forward another month to a few days ago. It is her birthday and leaving party (since she's moving to a different city). We are all getting tipsy. My face is pink. There is a lot of screaming and laughter. I come out to all of my friends. Crush is only wearing a bra and leather shorts. Crush is on me at different times during the evening.
She has her head on my shoulder.
She has her head on my lap and I am twirling her short hair in my fingers.
She is behind me on the bed and stroking my head. She strokes my ears a few times. I get massIVE TINGLES. Fuck my life.
I later hear her mention that ears are a sensitive spot.
She has buried her head in my neck.
Truth or dare happens and we all play it.
Crush is sat next to me, hand caressing my very upper thigh and basically brushing my crotch holy fucking shit.
Dare happens and she tells me to grab her boobs but I am awkward so I say I will grab my own.
Next dare happens and I am on her left so she tries to kiss me. I have not had my first kiss so I squirm as she grabs my face and aims for my lips, instead smooching my neck. She goes and kisses my other friends.
5 minutes later, I am on her right so she tries to kiss me again, but I squirm again and ask her to kiss my cheek. She does it. She kisses me on the cheek.

So basically, end of story, I have many regrets in my life and I still haven't had my first kiss.


Hahahahhaahahaahhaahhaahahahahahahaahahahhahahahaahhaa kill me