Well shit

29.03.25
Got diagnosed with severe depression,
Honestly I feel like my life is ending. Ever since 2025, my life went downhill. I barely eat, sleep or even motivated to engage in my hobbies and interests. As of now I haven't eaten at all since yesterday morning, I've only been eating one meal a day for the past months. I love reading yet now I have trouble getting though chapters because I am unable to stop stressing and thinking for the future that's coming at me so quickly. I'm finishing up my Master's degree soon and yet I still don't know what to do. I planned to do a PhD because I planned to be a surgeon but I can't, my mental health has gone down the drain and has been gradually receding since 2019 and now it hit me fully. I'm terrified, now I understand when they say 'you don't know the full gist unless you experience it' and hell. It's going pretty bad. I liked gaming and playing with my friends and now I can barely even do a few matches. I love doing sport and working out and it seems that it's the only thing that's making my mind go blank yet when I'm not doing that I keep thinking about the future, who I need to be and what I need to do for me and and my family's sake. I feel so isolated ever since I moved to this country (2019) with my parents, I want to go back. Last year I visited for a week and I strongly said I didn't want to come back to the country I'm in right now, I even cried at the airport like a kid. But I wasn't allowed, I had to go back. They said to finish my studies but hell. Couldn't I just exchange university? I asked them. My parents said no and didn't allow me. My family is extremely strict and permission is a must. They value tradition and reputation, when I got diagnosed, I feel like I have disappointed them because they have a mentally ill child and they refuse to acknowledge it, saying it's just a phase, you're fine. I have a social life here and the money's good but I'm still so terrified. 5 years of being here yet I'm still terrified. I just don't want to be here but I have to since my parents don't allow me to come home. As a very young child I've been raised isolated too, I wasn't able to go outside and socialise. Everything was given to me, I didn't ask for anything. I was so shy and awkward at school, I didn't even talk to anyone unless I was approached. Gradually I got used to society very slowly and built connections with lots of people. But when I moved to another country I reverted back to my old ways, I'm so terrified now with the culture shock and everything. I'm so terrified about my future here, I'm so introverted and isolated even if I havs friends here, I still feel alone when I'm with people. I just want to go back. And funny enough It seems that I have a weird motion sickness that only happens when I'm in this country. I never get motion sickness when I'm in my home country. It's so annoying and I hate it so much. I've also been getting so many suicidal thoughts and attempts that aren't even made in a joking manner. I've been stressing so much and I feel like it won't get better. Ever. I've been having dreams within dreams, waking up from a dream while still in a dream, dreams of being hospitalised, dreams of dying, dreams of nostalgic, happy events filled with emotions of bliss, no stress no nothing, that brings thoughts like 'is this what life could have been for me' and longing. I feel so suicidal, if someone gave me a gun I'd definitely shoot my head the second I get my hands on it. I've had thoughts of applying for the military and started my application but still haven't sent it. It feels like my life is falling apart.
I'm so terrified to do anything here. I'm still not used to it. I feel like I'll always be like this. I acknowledge that I'm very unhappy and anxious here. I'm so stressed and terrified of everything still.

It's my birthday today. - received lots of gifts and wishes yet I still can't stop stressing about everything especially the future because it's so near and I know It won't get better for me soon or ever.