grief of being an online friend
idk if ranting this here would be a good or a bad idea, it's 5am in the morning and im sobbing over my friend who's life i actually don't know whether he's still alive or not, its been more or less 5 months. The person who told me about the news that my friend k/lled himself, i don't know whether to trust him or not. This isn't the first time that I experienced this, but this particular one made me realize how useless I am to people I have no real contact with, I never met, and I never really knew what their whole life was like. That friend of mine, he went through so much things that honestly, it really was overbearing for a person to carry. After recieving the news, I was dumbfounded. Weeks have passed and I distracted myself. Months have passed it came back haunting me. Im stuck in a dilemma thinking what's true and whats not.
What do you mean you're gone? Your body is buried somewhere, burned or rotting, in a land where I don't know, where I can't even visit you. What do you mean we'll never get to do the things we've always planned? All the ups and downs we've been through, not one of them let me embrace you, touch you. Im stuck in this guilt that I couldn't even express how much I was rooting for you to stand back up with all my heart. I can't even open our conversations because your account was deleted. I don't have the courage to accept that you may have already passed away.
Ever since then I've always wondered, If God let me go, will you be there to take my hand when I close my eyes? Will I see you in all white, emitting a glow you've always worn, that ive felt when you were alive?
But in the end, did I even matter to you? Did I manage to make an impact on you even just for a short while? Was I replayed in your last moments, even if I was just behind the screen? My voice, my words, did you remember? I guess I'll never know.
I hope we can finally meet one day, but before that happens, I'll keep you in my heart. I'm sorry, please forgive me for being a bad friend. I love you
