March 10, 2024

I messed up so so badly, i made my friends leave and i made my own boyfriend also upset. Ive been haring things from rags about how he feels about me, how aurora feels about me and overall everyone. Im not a good person all i do is hurt everyone around me and make it worse. I say i dont want a server full of dramas? but i cause them because of my emotions. The stuff Yunjae and Kizuki have been saying towards me are true. Discord is a problem and is making my life so much worse. I messed up big time and i dont think some few sorries will make up for it. I keep dragging others down cause of my depression and I had done things to the man I love. He said he hated me so much and those words felt like i was just stabbed by a dull knife.

The disappointnent from Prez, ina, annan and bug when they come back only to find our i messed shit up. Im sure theyd hate me and i cant even blame them. I promised them id fix everything but i just am too selfish and petty to actually resolve things with them. Everyones so tired of me. Literally everyone is and even him. Frankly i dont even know why he's with me because I am just a danger to him. Idk why but everyones so homophobic around us its hurtful. I love him too much to ever let go of him cause hes the only person i have right now. Lately ive been thinking of wanting to kill myself and i ran away from home. Cause some fucking video out there was spread among my classnates and my family found out about it and i just want to cry but i dont even have anyone else to lean onto rn and i fucking wish i could go to his shoulders but im in this fuckass country and hes ghosting me right now. I just cant really anymore cause all i do is hurt people i fucking love and only people i have in this crappy ass life i have. I nevee get better yeah and i know im fucking annoying and bring a burden venting and shit all the time to them and thats all i do. Just vent.

i dont know why i cant get better and i just keep getting worse and worse with life, i keep being mean and i hate my anger issues so much. it ruins everything. i end up saying shit i dont mean to and cant take back. My friends are thinking im just an attention seeker cus i randomly cry during classed sometimes but i cant help it. ive been through so much, the guy i trusted my entire life aka yunjae turned out to be some obsessive psychopath thats now sexually harassing me because he thinks this way ill get over my HJ. It doesnt fuckwad! i hated you so much more than now but i keep thinkinf and hoping you would change and come to your senses and id forgive you but telling me that sensie and others are a snake? whether i like her or not she still helped me and us during that burnbook era and chose to believe us and now i fucking messed it up with them. They went through so much because of me and theres nothing i could do than feel sorry or be dead cus i just cause pain for them. i dont know anymore so much i just wish hed talk to me again soon cause im at my last straw here but what do i even expect? we had a fight and he hates me and i hate him so much for that. why cant he just understand me?! i had the free will to talk about that incident to my friends or used to be and i dont understand them either for being so overdramatic. i say to myself and them when its just my fault. i wonder if i die. would they come together? or not. honestly too late i alr talked shit even tho i still love them so much. i love all of them so so so so so so so much but it feels shit.