Why couldnt he just be fake like they say tbh

It hurts, i just really want to move on from him but its so hard and i had to cry informing his friends again about it. I wish he was fake i wish it was all just pretend pretend but no he was real and it hurts sm like I MISS HIM SO MUCH just... i don't understand why would he do it for some stupid online friendgroup who dgaf like its fine if they dont want to be friends with you alot of people still loved you. I still loved you and forgave you because like guess what? You were such a sweet person though like emotionally unstable and way too much to people and i know you didnt meant to hurt your friends. I KNOW THAT SO LIKE GET OVER IT?? GET BETTER? Nobody is perfect like obviously, sometimes in lifr you just hurt other people and thats obv not fine but i mean u made mistakes and as long as u learn from it and grow in it then okay ur good. You forgive people so i dont understand why you think they wouldnt the same for you and even if they didnt thats their choice which is totally fine but it doesnt mean ur entirely a horrible person. Its just painful to be rejected but this shit doesnt even last that long like give it literally 6 months or whatever. Its not the end of the world cus some online friends stops being friends with yout psthetic ass. Why do you have to hurt yourself over it cus now i realised thats why they left and i thoight they were cruel for that but now i understand because sometimes u have to choose yourself. Like you dont have to he seriously overly depressed or dead for them to actually care about you again. I don't understand cause why can't all of this shit be fake again? like come on now. I wish i could just say "oh sorry my bad hes just faking his death like last time" but NOoOOo its fucking real and i hate it because all i wanted was for him to actually have some growth and get fucking better. He didn't do that and instead just went and killed himself because he felt so guilty and those words bothered him so much then has the guts and AUDACITY to fucking say to me in his suicice note that "pretend im alive for them" im like no... i had enough i dont want some goddamn multiple personality disorder nor whatever in me. They have to know. People loved him sm i dont understand why he did it, he was forgiven by many people for his mistakes. PEOPLE UNDERSTOOD YOU AND STILL LOVED YOU. Because you're gone my friendships with "our" friends is so akward. They didnt wanna talk to me because of it so its not better for me cus "he's dead" like girl... I WANT HIM HERE cause like its so much more better when he is here. ITS NOT BENEFICIAL FOR ME?? idgaf abt what some ppl think here. He's the only person whoever understood me on a very deep emotional level like sure i have some scars from the relationship but i... his friends miss him sm and some blocked me after i had told the news because like it was never MY FRIENDSHIP but HIS. It feels so much more lonelier knowing i was only close with them because he was there. HE WAS THERE. I got humbled super real quick cus of that like oh okkkk yall only liked me cus he liked me i mean ofc they did care but still no wonder he was so desperate for u guys to like me back when i kinda hit him accidentally cus he was upset which honestly i hated myself so much for. I hated myself so much for it to the point i was doing sh and got CONFINED in the hospital cus im just that serious when it comes to him. Way too damn serious its actually sad like my life shouldnt be this worthless cause of him but gunny how when the romanticism wears off i suddenly see all the red flags and i was abit too much of a fool to love him so much like that. I hatw the fact i miss him so much and i feel like i was a better person when nishii was here like he would tell me to control myself and managae myself, tell me when im going too I wanna spam so much to explain and just apologise but i cant. i hate hate myself so much and i know i should move on cus he's dead but i was much of a better person when he was here i just cant help but wish that sometimes i was dead instead of him cus everyone loves him while im the total opposite. I want to be better person to people but i dont know and looks like im messing it up but anyways my bf so though despite all the bad stuff so much good things were good about him and like his determination to make things right but he was so mentally unstable because of his ex. Seriously... i think you were genuinely never over him cause you always talk about him to me but i fifnt mind cause its you ranting how much fun you both used to have until he suddenly changed. You said he changee because of some betrays from his online friends but honestly knowing i was in the same spot as him years ago? i aint trying to plan some stupid revenge on them and planning to guilt trip via whatever that shit was back then. What the FUCK was he even on like he doesnt need therapy. He needs the whole world health organization just to cure his mental illness. Like boohoo Sure your ex was so much more handsome than me and all that stuff like hes a better singer or something that people dont believe someone like u exist... i hate it lol. I hate his ex so much honestly like he ruined him so much i understand wanting to protect him because hes been through alot but doing it that way-??? why are you trying to control his social life like why are you making him cut off his only friends THAT BY THE WAY WAS THE ONLY THING KEEPING HIM GOING WITH LIFE. IT WAS MAKING HIM MOTIVATED. You shouldn't control that part. You're not his owner. You're his boyfriend. I know you were goddamn 15 Or what a minor but still wtf bro?? im just i dunno now man. Why are you so freaking mad at me like my bad im the new bf and you've been replaced so like let him the fuck go. You're no longer in his life i dont give a fuck if you two had been close since u guys were children. I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE WHY COULDNT YOU JUST HAVE MOVED ON FROM HIM?? instead you went and did THAT to him. GIRL KILL YOURSELF PLEASE NOT ME. The one you had drama with your first friendgroup about, the one you said you would protect him from. HE TRUSTED YOU DAMN IT HYUNJAE. Too bad you're in jae-il cus due to your obsession you like did that shit to him and thinking so delusionally that its "love" but nah its just you secretly being insecure and can't accept the fact that he didnt want you in his life anymore after your attempts "to make him jealous" was considered cheating. ITS CHEATING YOU DUMB FUCK. YOURE SO FUCKING POSSIVE ASSHOLE. If you wanted him to yourself like actually do something for him that makes him want you. Honestly he's so forgiving he's such a pushover that even those who doubts about him and his traumas he understands why and doesn't get too worked up about it like i do. He was trying so hard to prove but he stopped once he had people who believed him and he focused on them cause the people who didnt believe soon apologise cus oh it was shown his mental health was negatively affected. He forgives them when they don't even say sorry. That was the kind of person he was. He was so kind and very sweet that hed make essays with like idk 8000 words to say how much he loves his friends and you know? im like that now too cus idfk how to show my appreciation but it doesnt work for me cus im just a creep with that and too chronically online... i hate it here why does that shit work out for you and like they send something wholesome back too im gonna cry like much fun and i know he's hurt alot of his friends and specially with the fake death but as if thats not the reason he didn't kill himself. I dont remember any shitty things he did honestly atleast im aware of that intentional like my bad oops sorry but it wasn't because yall no longer wanted to be friends he clarified that so many times in his suicide notes. It was because he "failed as a friend and as a person" like how i felt for those damn people. I hate it. WHY COULDNT YOU GUYS JUST HAVE BEEN FAKED LIKE DUDE I DONT WANNA DEAL WITH THIS. Why did i have your bsd stuff onto me unconciously cus all i did back then was be sad and sh abit i mean yeah i wanted to die because its REAL LIFE. I was so hurt by my irl friends alot and i had to move to another city just to get over them. like I cant sleep properly cus of this i unconciously try to hurt myself and my body so used to it that it literally just like "oh u overdosed urself here just like idk inject smth in you and you'll be fine cus ur body is so used to it" I LITERALLY HAVE FAST RECOVERY CUS I KEEP DOING THIS SHIT. Its kinda funny lol like my immune system anyways like bruh damn i hate you both. I hate you so much too my bf and blah blah im just GRRRRR all i did was want some comfort from someone if i had known i would be crying this much more than i did years ago i would have sucked the councilors dick to council me everyday then id just be fine or Maybe the 1 month i pretended to be him made me be like him like lol look at me with this coping mechanism like omggg let me kill myself over it. nah fuck gays no! Please no.... that was never the option and specially for you when you had a CHANCE at forgiveness because you atleast did so much kind things for your friends you always appreciated them and created a safe space for them. I didn't BUT YOU DID i didnt do anythimg but rather just ruin it. I genuinely wish you hadn't gone through it, i wish you never did cause like maybe then i dont think i would have screwed up this much because you will tell me what to do. i can't understand stuff anymore and certainly not myself. Do you know what my job was last month? a stripper at night in some gay bar. I quitted because some ppl have convinced its not the way to live. i was ruining my life and i was so open on talkiny aboit my job cus like no shame cus all i wanted was to move on but i dont know how like i just want to forget about you i just want you to stop popping in my mind and how like oh wow it was so fun when you were around it was so peaceful you can fix like bridges with some of your ex-friends like i want that but i couldn't get it. i dont know how you did it with all of your other ex-friends. You accept them for their change and shit. You kept accepting me when nobody else was doing so... you let me known i was a victim in the story. That was the time i felt so validated and i guess i really want that so much again and i dont understand why am i even venting this to mangago like i dont know maybe i just want to let it out. I wish i was just like him fixing and mending the bridges from his previous friendships... honestly idk maybe those ex-friends could have forgiven him if he hadn't gone through that attempt. It was such a small deal and i saw them come back in the server lurking cus like for sure they cooled off and like oh okay. idk what can i say abt their feelings before that fake death happened but i know during it... they cared and they were hurt so much when they found out he was alive but like thing is now he's literally quite dead so move on hajun. You have to freaking move on. You're not doing that like you said you would like what is it that you want? you tried new boyfriends and girlfriends but didnt work out cus all of them became rebound. Was it because he bought you a ring hajun? was it because there was a way for you to have been married? like in 2025 we promised to get married to each other. Instead your ass is fucking gone and only thing you left for me now is traumas and shit like bro... you're so goddamn selfish for ever doing it. Now i have to prove to some stupid people who didnt even meet you that you're real and honestly cause you also lied so damn much to me i dont even know if you actually werent at fault back then when ur death was faked... it went on for a month or two. people grieved that long. they felt so sorry. i felt the absolute fucking worst cause i tried to kms a bunch of times. when you came back i was so relieved but honestly... were you ever actually back? like was i hallucinating shit all this time that oh okay u faked ur stuff. i dont know myself on whats real and whats not because of this goddamn shit of pretending. Even i am starting to get confused about everything like if its all fake why is the pain feeling so real like even though a bunch of bitches have told me i was annoying for venting i didnt stop cus like it just hurts man. im sorry like damn. i dont know my bad mangago. Lowkey last post from me and no im not gonna kill mysrlf i had enough of that. im not gonna make the same mistakes as he did and cause so much unresolved pain for others and leave people who loved me. i dont care about these controversies i want to be damn better. i want to be myself. i want to be the guy i always wanted to be instead of the one i was always insecure about. No more lies and deceit and just me. Im not gonna let my damn past conrol me cause I have changed and im trying my best. Im not gonna be whoever tf my bf was ever. Im sorry for being mean but he was a coward or just couldmt accepy things will never alwaya go his ways. I know the shit he went through like Istg if he was just alive i would have cursed on him but like in a respectful way and tbh idk like ok good person sometimes but also mentally not good person sometimes like damn can he be mean when people get on his nerves. I dont be like that like lol ppl should have seen the confessions this guy made just to talk shit about some people and i only found that out by snooping in his account and saw them. "it wasnt me" bs then u get the audacity to be sad?? bruh make up your mind. I know u cared and probs just mad but holy shit. anyways Not like actual last post just for today and probs this week. I want them to heal really badly but i cant helo but yap sorry. anyways ya thats uhm it.