ugh, okay here's a long ass story

I confessed to him a long time ago, I was in middle school (around 15) that time and he was suppose to be in college (he's 21), but due to family issues he stopped but went back and is now in senior high. we met at an art club, i'm with a group of friends who listed their names to attend the art assembly (its actually called art-semmbly) he was in charge of the powerpoint presentations and the music. there's a lot of newcomers so our art teacher (is now a good friend of mine) was so happy that there were a lot of people who came to attend. soon after, my friend introduced me to some guy who looks like a gay emo guy, he was the one who's in charge of the music so that's how i met my crush.

few weeks after that, he warmed up to me and we both hang out a lot. he was always telling me about his problems regarding about his ex-girlfriend. i just go awkward every time but i do give out some advice to make him feel better about their break up, he said it was mutual so i didn't mind it. then a few more months past, he finally got a girlfriend from another country, i hate to admit it but she's actually quite a catch, every guy would be happy to be her boyfriend. i was kinda bummed out by that but i continued acting like i was so supportive about them. and also, they were in a long distance relationship, I'm kinda against it but i don't wanna look like a judgmental friend so i continued on being there for them.

a year past, we kinda stopped talking to each other, we didnt fight or anything we just didn't have time to hang out anymore since he finally has a new girlfriend, me and him were left in the empty club room while our art teacher was called for a meeting at the second floor's office. i was minding my own business when i heard him suddenly sobbing, i got a bit awkward and stared at him.. thinking it was kind of a joke just to fool me around and ignored him. when he sobbed louder and saw his phone thrown across the room i was surprised and looked at him, he was crying so much that his eyes were getting puffy and a bit swollen. like.. i know you're upset but why do you have to throw your own phone..?

when i asked why he was crying, he told me that his girlfriend was demanding a break up. i couldnt clearly remember why (because i wasnt really paying attention) but i think that her girlfriend was getting tired of the long distance relationship when they both promised to meet in afew months. turns out, he has financial problem since his parents cut him off. i instantly felt bad and my awkward ass just patted his back as he continued crying. and when he suddenly said, "Why does it always have to be money? i always keep breaking up with my girlfriends all because of money."

i still can't believe i said it till this day, but what i said was completely UTTERLY STUPID. "dont say that, i like you, dude." okay here's what caught him of guard. the fact that i was straight forward and the fact that he was dumped by his ex and instantly got a confession soon after. so he went silent and stared at me with confusion. it's written all over his face like, "say what?" thats where i knew i slipped up BIG TIME. but luckily, instantly got a good excuse. "..yeah, dude. of course i like you we're friends right?????" i cant even get over what i've said i wanna fucking jump off a cliff at that moment jeSUS FUCK.. im just so glad i saved my ass back there.

i mean, he might've probably noticed it already that i do like him. after that we kinda stopped talking :/