screw this im ranting i loved too much on what wasnt mine

I want my main account back it was deleted and all my memories of my late s/o is in there, i put in my liked of all their messages and stuff in my profile and i want them. We had convos there. i've been sobbing so much because its the only memories i have left of when we were so happy and its also the most recent ones i have. Ive been not okay since my acc was gone like I HAD MEMORIES and the rant post and advices i recieved? i need them sm. idc if im embarassing or pathetic, its part of who i am and shit like yes ive been totally depressed by ex-friends and had random beefs with users. idc its part of my lore and im no perfect person.

i just rlly miss him so fucking much that ive been trying to fill the gaps like hey meet up with these people or wtv like go hook up and shit its horrible for my mental health. I just want to look back and feel like hes still here i want to look at that i love you note again. i have a bad memory and i just dont want it to be forgotten accidentally. i dont want to forget about him. i want to look back.

none of this would have honestly happened if i had just stepped away and left but no i didnt because i loved him too much to ever break up but if i had just done THAT i think he'd still be happy with his friends theyre talking shit about me but as long as he's happy but I couldn't let go which is why it led to this. Thats fine you didnt have to ruin your friendships cus of me. you didnt have to feel guilty over me cus i just understand why you did the things you did and how it was so hard to you. its so complicated and overwhelming. i took months to process it. putting myself in your shoes i knew now how hard it had been. im so sorry i loved you.

i want to move on so much but i just find myself finding someone like you cause the last thing i use to look back into is gone. i wish to see it again and get that closure. i didnt have a suicide note while all of their ex- friends did and it hurts me and out of pettiness im not sending them. i wanted mine too but all i ever get is "i love you" from followings. i want it directly not from some stupid ss.

and thats about it i had enough so i let it out cus lol whatever.