Figured out my emotional cheating dilemma

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while, there have been some ups and downs. Now I feel like I’m in a really good spot. When we were going through rough patches, I had doubts about him as a long-term person and then I’d start feeling attracted to people in my life who, now looking back I realize, had those traits I wanted in him. I’ve told him about it now so I’m glad we’re transparent about it but naturally we’re trying everyday to reassure and trust each other.

So it’s like my emotional brain was going “I’m worried the puzzle piece doesn’t fit. does this puzzle piece fit? Hey there are other pieces that MIGHT fit. Aren’t those pieces interesting?” And that’s how my doubt-to-infatuation pipeline led me to think I was falling in love with my friend.

I also went through an earlier stage of questioning if I could ever try having poly relationships bc I felt like I was falling in love with that friend while in a relationship. And the infatuation just got confusing bc I was trying to process an emotional experience with hypothetical thinking.

And it was so confusing… bc it felt like…it wasn’t like I had any less love for my partner. It was like my affection was growing. Of course that wasn’t the case bc I was actually having doubts about my bf. And when I gave it some time, even if I would be open to it hypothetically. Reality would be different and I wouldn’t have the emotional resilience to balance multiple relationships


My findings:

1. I was running away from seeing me and my bf as a long-term thing due to unaddressed compatibility issues.

2. Even if a crush came from that. Crushes are the best in your head, they’re a lack of information, as they say. And when I got that extra info, that peek behind the curtain, the spell broke and realized I was emotionally running from my problems — Like the friend I think I’m “falling in love” with is such a great friend, but they won’t be the same when they’re a romantic partner. And spending time with them, seeing their flaws as a potential partner absolutely broke the illusion for me. And brought me down to reality about what I really wanted

3. Infatuation intensity and experiencing new attraction might be a natural thing for me. But I know it’s not love. That other person won’t ever have what my partner has. It can seem perfect but things never really are

4. My doubts. My chasing of “what if” or “where’s the grass greener?” My answer: the grass is greener where you water it. And my partner is the greenest patch of grass. And I hope to water our relationship as much as I can (▰˘◡˘▰)


I never imagined that I’d be in a position where I was ever infatuated with other people while in a relationship. It’s not like I ever wanted to feel confused or attracted to other people in a way that felt unfaithful. You sort of hear about people having “crushes” while in long-term relationships and get confused about what you’re going through too.

Now I can safely say, it’s bc I couldn’t deal with my doubting and can go on to thirst for Usui in a distanced and healthy manner (▰˘◡˘▰)