Hating yet still caring

i despise the fact that I still miss my old friends, despite their mistreatment of me. I have no reason to feel bad to express my feelings about them, as I was only stubborn and they mistreated me cause I should have been more criticisng rather than enabling "someone" who was having attitudes but I couldn't cause I felt bad since they were obviously going through so much.

I attempted to feel hatred towards my friends, recalling their past actions which were terrible and at that same time all of it was happening, I was stressed for my partner, who was refusing food and bruising randomly. It was overhwhelming. Friends continued to argue, while I continued pondering, "Why can't we simply have a private conversation and offer apologies?" However, when we eventually had a conversation, it seemed more like a surprise attack cause 9 people criticising me all at the same time few of whom I don't even know. I could say more, but I'll end here. Sorry for bad english its not my main language.