Idk how people think it's fake or rage bait

I made this post to clarify that it isn’t fake or intended as rage bait. I don’t understand how people think that, despite how long I’ve been trying to explain it. I know I’m a terrible person—enough of that already. I fully acknowledge that I was wrong for being an asshole, a bully, and a bad friend.

If I hadn’t acted the way I did, they might still be alive today. I hate myself for it so much and feel overwhelming guilt, which is why I can’t even say this on my main account. I created an alternate account because I’m too much of a coward to post this publicly. I know I should stop talking about it, but I just want to clarify that everything I’ve said is true.

I’ve been consumed by guilt over my friend’s death. I’ll admit it—I want some empathy because I’ve been hurting myself over this. My so-called friends turned out to be terrible people, and I realized it far too late, after a life was lost.

I miss you so much, N. I’m so sorry for the horrible things I said to you. You deserved to live. I wish you hadn’t done it—I wish you were still here. I hate myself for siding with those friends in the first place. Both sides were wrong, but only one had the courage to admit their mistakes. The others just kept mocking and ridiculing them.

Because they were a large group, I felt pressured to join in. What started as joking turned into cruel attacks. We began saying the most awful things, even encouraging self-harm, doxxing their identity in our Discord server, and escalating the harassment. Looking back, I’m disgusted with myself.

I didn’t realize that people in the server were actively attacking this person. When they reached out to apologize to everyone, our group just brushed it off and continued mocking them. Eventually, they were pushed to the edge and took their own life because they believed they were irredeemable.

They weren’t. Yes, they made mistakes in those final days, but I knew deep down that their intentions were pure. I was too blinded by anger to see it until it was too late. Now I recognize how much they impacted my life in positive ways and how they created a safe space for me. That space is gone now because of what I did.

Because I was a terrible friend, I’m here spending my time trying so hard to disassociate from reality, trying so hard to ignore that they’re gone. But it’s been too much lately, and I had to release all of this somehow.

I hurt them, and I carry so much guilt for it.