Supposedly I should be studying rn but fuck it we ballin'

I don't know how to justify this but I had depression ever since I was in Elementary and it progressively became worst particularly during Covid19. Even so, a while back before Covid19, I had no friends for some apparent reason regarding school issues, or more specifically it was a false rumor designed to destroy me out of jealousy, I admit it worked. Nobody talked to me the whole school year and it sucked. My environment was shitty too, but I won't go into details. Having no one to confide with at such a young age, dealing with problems such as abuse and bullying made me build a pent-up rage. I was at my lowest of the lowest. I even began to feel dull as though I just want to commit self-slaughter and yes, I did try but to no avail because I chickened out most of the time. I note the following justification, I grew up in a household where my mother would often instill a belief rather that I should not make friends because they won't benefit me nor die with me. What could go worse? I followed her order but it was a mistake. She was a narcissist. She is confusing as hell. No matter what I do, it won't seem enough. In my perspective based on other people's remarks on me, I believe I was somewhat unsympathetic at the time, I couldn't care less, not much of reaction can get out of me though, I don't even know what slangs are. And I was behind the contemporary issues in modernity, I was astounded. Well, I can't complain since I was literally bedrotting for years in my room or rather in my sit in front of my pc, I wasn't also eating properly, and doomscrolling had become one of my daily routine. Pretty much a brainrot person, but funny enough, those times where the only days where I was intelligent, unmotivated yet motivated enough to write articulately and speak fluently. After lockdown was lifted, I decided to start anew. But sometimes, the state of dreadfulness haunts me that I might go back to how I was before.

PS: If you're responsible like me and lazy, get a cat or a pet. My cat gave me a 2nd life, and you wouldn't understand unless you went through something similar as me