Focusing on close relationships again

Maybe i should focus on it again, have been trying to avoid it due to the dramas and messes I made like someone calling me a manipulator, liar, gaslighter, asshole idk they used the whole vocabulary but haaa... I pushed them away on purpose because I could no longer trust any of them. I made them hate me and think of me so lowly, because they're not MY friends. They were his.

I don't feel comfy around them no matter what they said, I know they were talking about me in their new server. Probably cus someone leaked them to me. It's abit hurtful. The ones I could trust were 4 people genuinely and they were ppl who were close to them too but they understood my side and was neutral. I loved them for it. Despite knowing my mistakes they chose to forgive me and I have been avoiding them for so long bec I feared making mistakes on them. I don't wanna be rekindled with hope only to find out they're talking about how horrible I am without talking to me abt it.