Surviving after trying to attempt is the most embarrassing thing ever

I would legit say goodbye to everyone and tell them I love them when I'm going to do "it" and I survive everytime somehow. Idk how but some dude always find me even if I try to go an abandoned place or building. It's just so disappointing when u survive after like saying bye to everyone like that and it's draining for the other person too cus they dealt with that again. I survived so many times that people think I fake killing myself when I still try. One day I'm going to grab a gun but I'm in an Asian country ┑(￣Д ￣)┍