I genuinely feel like I shouldn't have continued to live tbh
I feel like I should've been gone long ago cause then maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be regretting everything like this. I used to be a kind person but I don't understand what happened to me, I used to be THAT person who wanted to show love and give comfort, optimism, care and all that corny shit to people. Till that night happened and everything changed... I know I should move on and just get "better" but I don't think I'm getting even better. I'm only getting worse and making everything worse. I'm still obsessed with people who no longer care about me I'm talking about you lucie and the 3 yall defo think I'm such a dick or an attention seeker. Even the person I loved so much probs think the same now.
After that night I had changed for the worst, I'm talking abt the time I got (TW) taken advantage of by someone who I never expected would do such a thing. He told me "it was for me to repay for not choosing him" yet saying this feels like an excuse, feels like I'm not taking accountability or making it all about myself but I truly feel like it changed me cause I was never the same after that. I don't think I had trust issues and paranoia worse than ever before that I wanted to kms every small fights cause I think everyone's going hurt me. Every piece of my life was honestly so fucking shit that the only thing that was good was the person I've loved and yet I kinda ruined that too.
I ruined alot of things cus i obsessed about making it "right". I wish that maybe that time should've been so successful then atleast everything would be okay. I don't understand why I had to live when I alr had my suicide notes sent to everyone just for me to live.