Idk what to do..

T.W: Abuse

After 1-2 years, yesterday my mom just started to lash/vent her anger out on me again. She heard me crying, and got pissed somehow. She went there, pulled my hair, punched me in the arm and dragged me to a bedroom and started to yell at me and hit me. I was sobbing and shaking by that point and she noticed that and yelled at me to stop then dragged me to the kitchen and made me do my school work there (I was doing a project before she lashed out at me, and I was crying bc of the video we were assigned to watch to write an essay from), coincidentally after she did that, my uncle came to visit our house unexpectedly, and my grandma offered him to eat as always. We had two tables in the kitchen, I was sitting on the left one and he was eating at the right. My grandma started talking to him more than she usually does, probably to distract him from looking at me bc I was really trying to keep quiet from crying. I tried to leave because I was really embarrassed, but she pulled me down saying “Come back here and sit back down.” sternly. I had no other choice but to sit back down; my face in a crying mess. Whenever I tried to wipe my tears she would hit my arm with a metal ruler. Whenever I slowed down even for a bit she would hit the table with it and it would crack loudly which scares me everytime because I developed the fear of loud sounds/ shouting 2 years ago, which was a result of her abusing me too.

I tried leaving multiple times, but it always lead to me getting pulled back. I think my uncle put two and two together and started distracting my mom so I can leave to compose/fix myself. He asked her for juice, so she had to leave to leave to make some. I took the opportunity to rush to my bedroom and fix myself. I went back as quickly possible after that.

After my uncle left, she told me to eat dinner whilst she lectured me. She told me “How can you cry just because of a video?” “You keep crying so much because of those things you’ve read and watched but you can’t even cry that much when I told you about your dad?” “Its like you didn’t even care!”. I was so upset that I wanted to scream, but I was too scared and petrified in place to do so. My dad disappeared when I was 4 which caused my family to move to my grandma’s house. 2 years ago she revealed to me why, it was also the same year wherein she started abusing me. She started using the fact that I knew what happened to my dad as something to guilt trip me with. She told me to quicken up my pace (of eating) more and more. Even when I was starting to gag. She continued yelling at me for the rest of the night until 11, whilst I still occasionally cried, just silently this time.

My eyes are still swollen and I’m still shaking until today, I can’t even think straight so I’m sorry if any of these didn’t make any sense. I’ve been recovering pretty decently after her abuse, but I feel like I’m about to relapse. I have no one to go to because they’ll all be on my mom’s side. I really don’t know what to do. Idk if anyone will see this but it lifts some weight off my shoulders by sharing this. (P.S: I’m writing this in a throwaway acc for obvious reasons.)