I just want to leave for somewhere far away

All I have to do is pack my bags and leave. Block their numbers, thwart any attempts at contact and be dead to my family. I'm in my late twenties so there's the pressure to get married bcs how dare I think my life is complete without a husband and two kids. I wasn't raised in a culture where children leave the house once they are adults but most of my friends have, by reason of jobs or education. I have somehow managed to stick it in the same city all my life. Even when I agreed to shift to another city, I would be assigned to my hometown.

3 years back, I had my first serious suicidal thought after a very long time and my immediate reaction was to look for another place to live bcs living with my mother was not it. Now I'm thinking which cleaning product can take me out in one swoop. Not the progress I was looking for.

I'm too much of a coward to kms. I'll probably just suffer more. My best option is getting a new job in a different state so I can leave. Or pulling up my socks and try to study abroad. I'm not doing much on either front. Can't afford therapy at my current pay. All my savings went to shit trying to clear a loan that should never have been my responsibility. Now I'm being to told save every penny for my wedding. My mother talks of it so smoothly as if it's bound to happen tomorrow itself. Like I have no choice but to say yes. Some priest told her I'm meant to have an arranged marriage so she has stopped all pretenses and just laughs and talks about my eventual wedding. It's going to happen and it will go her way. She's sure of it. I'm in a financial hole bcs of them, I pay all the bills and half the groceries and all non-essentials but my opinion in my house will not be worth shit. I don't want to marry and take care of a husband or a house or his family. I just want to be by myself.

I think most, if not all, my problems will be solved if I leave this house and live on my own. Idk how to get there. Guess I'm not as much of an independent woman as I thought. It's just embarrassing, especially at my age.

Sorry. Just wanted to let it out. Better to let this resentment get out of my head before I do something I should not.