Narcissistic apologies vs genuine apologies
Okay tbh I'm always been genuine about trying to be a better person and I don't notice I'm just being what I should stand against, I found out recently that I would be a "narcissistic" person if I apologised where I showed how I hate myself and my behaviour and how it affected them. Self loathing or something, I thought that would show how remorseful I am how my actions affected them and that I don't like myself for it either. Sometimes it gets so bad that it feels like it's the end of the world for me if I offend ppl.
Then to top it off, I thought maybe showing how I also improved would show how genuine i am at making efforts? Apparently they didn't like that and I didn't understand until now bec it will sound fake or something and atp I just suddenly regret with the way I acted out on things bec I wasn't aware that these stuff are narcissistic tendencies, I thought it was very normal or seemed genuine.
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I get what you mean I’m the same and at this point I feel like knowing I tend to be a narcissist/do narcissistic things and saying I want to be better but make mistakes again is narcissistic itself and to be honest I give up. I’m not saying to continue to be a narcissistic person but giving up on trying to be better for people.
I don’t want to be a narcissist or a narcissistic person so I am going to heal but by myself. When taking it slow with healing instead of thinking doing this and that will immediately fix me I realise that the ‘root of my problem’ or what has me be a narcissistic person is when people are in my life. I have many other problems too where I realise the problem is with people. People like my family I can’t get rid of or stop caring about so obviously apart from being distant from friends that I care too much of their opinions (honestly most of them I created myself which is the problem) I also need to find a way to heal when I become narcissistic with my family too.
Personally for me and probably for everyone else who are aware and guilty of this is that it’s built up on top of a lot of things. The biggest for me and maybe you from the sounds of it cause we sound similar is the opinion of others, specifically judge mental opinions that we create for ourselves in our heads from insecurities.
Being distant from friends has been the best solution yet. Not only friends but people my age because that also bothered me too. It’s been really healing and now when I make mistakes here and there I don’t hate myself so much cause obviously the mistakes aren’t so bad compared to when there were more people in my life.
I’ve also started to actually visibly care less about what people think and now it’s to the point of even people my age. I’m really proud and happy of it. It’s a journey and not a immediate miracle,
don’t be so harsh on yourself and well one thing we should both remember is don’t talk through words but actions. Especially narcissists I think we are manipulative with words it tricks people not only around us but ourselves, it’s probably also what creates such a huge ego. Words are really manifesting, if we say we’re sad we’re sad even though nothing has physically happened, same as to we think and say we’re sorry but we haven’t done anything to show that when that’s what we should be doing.
This actually opened my eyes and realised the root of my problems which was my family as well and previous love lifes and friendships.
Yeah. With family maybe same goes for you is that we feel a responsiblity that we can make people lives better or family situation better like be a personal therapist for them but instead doing this has us control them instead and then that becomes a mistake and then it’s a loop of thinking we can do it and without realising we are doing something narcissistic.
I don’t know if this will ease you like how it does to me but in the Bible there is a quote uhmm I’m trying to find it but there’s multiple talking about if trying to show the way for someone does more bad to you mentally physically and you’ve tried then it’s best that you stop. This doesn’t mean to stop caring about their well-being in general but stop trying to be the change in someone’s behavior because if at the end of the day they do not understand your perspective etc then the change will never come no matter the sense and logic in your attempts.
Same goes for ourselves no one will be able to actually change our situation unless we ourselves do something about it. It’s frustrating but we have to accept it too and plus it really has us drained trying to control people lives thinking we can do miracles. Not speaking for you unless it’s the same for u too.
As far as advice from a random internet stranger goes, a single counselling/therapy appointment might help you. When I'm struggling with anxiety about whether I irritate the people around me, ask questions too often etc etc, my apologies come from a place where I've been focusing on myself. But it turns out, when people are genuinely upset, it's because of how it's made *them* feel. Basically, I need to work on changing my focus away from *my mistakes* to *their feelings*. I've no idea if you have a similar issue, but genuinely wanting to be a better person is an awesome goal; a counsellor would help you focus on things that would support your goals. Good luck!
I alr know that part on how it affected them badly which is why I tend to honestly pester but apparently they took it as having to walk on eggshells around me but ty
I would recommend you look into different apology love languages, sometimes people don't match up in that, and that is valid !