So, you can actually be so happy you wanna die?

Trigger warning ig for suicidal thoughts. I've been having them since I was like fourteen, and now I'm twenty-five, so they are nothing new for me, just a regular occurrence at this point. And I've rarely ever thought myself close to making them into reality, my survival instincts are holding me hostage. I probably just like a fantasy of being able to escape.

Now, last few months were quite grim and depressing for me, working hard for barely enough to survive, studying hard but just feeling stupider with each new page, the girl I was (as a girl) in a sort of "committed situationship-trial relationship" with dumped me because she "failed" to fall in love with me - I could never admit to her how deeply and bitterly this whole thing scarred me, I already gave her way too much - and now a friend who means a lot to me, who is one of my rare sources of happiness, and yes, who I've had a limerent crush on, especially after being dumped, cut me off completely and I dk why. Aside from music, content I can find on the internet and a pretty cloud or a flower here and there I don't really have sources of happiness.

but it was a nice day today. no problems at work, many people seemed to be smiling, happy and content, weather was pretty, flowers were pretty, girls were pretty, dogs were cute. while coming home from work tonight, I was hit with just the right song, that seemed to perfectly gather and communicate all the chaotic and unruly wonderfulness of life - and it all came over me like a wave, and everything was shiny and precious and just right.

I felt so elated I thought I had to die at that exact moment. I want to die now. I could die now. I don't want to live past this point. But, would I not be sad to leave such a wonderful life? It must have so much to offer. no, I want to die NOW because it's wonderful NOW, and it has already given me much, it's giving me NOW. I could, I should, jump in front of one of the passing cars. It would hurt, more then a worst migraine or a broken foot, but it would be worth it if tonight could me my last night ever.

but I couldn't do it, of course, it was just another fantasy, if an especially vivid one. my survival instincts were too strong, and all the cars were just too slow.