Being a bad older sibling

☆I wrote this like a week or 2 ago and yeh I got a lil emotional but like anyone else thinks they r a bad older sibling?



To get straight into it I'm a twin of an autistic sister, (same age as me but I was born before her, and stuff) and a step sis (6yrs old)

Since I had a consience I was treated as the older sibling since my twin acted younger than her age.

Before covid me and my twin (I'll call her "S") fought a lot until one day she hit me with a bra in my eye (I have bad eyesight and am quite paranoid so I took things like this as I might go blind if it was done harder)

So in kind of a fit of rage I grabbed a pen, to yk draw all over her face but I used WAY to much force and now she has stitches under her eye. That was like 3 years ago now. Probably 4.

So now me and S relationship is worst than ever, before we never talked that much but now we don't even act like we knew eachother since birth.

She flinches when I touch for which is understandable, what I did was completely wrong and unjustifiable but it still hurts cause I care about her.

My relationship with my step sis is getting better. Before I think I mightive been to strict at times when I looked after her, but now she seems to like to play with me and it's really cute but it just makes me realise the relationship I destroyed with my own twin.

As an extra they both act like the stereotypical gen alpha kid except my twin is way worst. For e.g. if u take my step sis ipad away she won't give a shit at all, she'll just do something else (90% is something chaotic but yeh) meanwhile with my twin she screams, crys, hits herself which I understand why she does it but I hate to see her hurt herself. The content they both consuming is quite worrying but whatever I do, try to change the yt algoritym, tell my parents, it does nothing at all.

This would've been an AITA question if I didn't already know I was the a**hole.

Anyways autism is a b☆tch and I totally have anger issues which I need to fix (at least I'm kinda calm now)

There a lot of gaps in this missing but this was more about siblings than anything and I just wanted to rant cause I'm starting to give up getting a better relationship with my twin (I forgot I was supposed to call her "S" but wtv)

Also the pressure of being that one example my siblings are supposed to look up to and admire scares me.

(A meme cause yeh)