My phobia essay: It's got smth to do with people :|

I have a fear of being looked down on by people who I'm close to. And I didn't even know, it was just something that I felt and didn't realize. It sounds so simple to the point that it could be rephrased "well yeah no one likes being looked down on by their close circle of friends or family". But I was internally always afraid of it and stressed about it. It would seep into every aspect of my life.

I would be struggling with classes and working so hard to avoid being looked down on. It would become the reasoning behind why I didn't want to do badly academically, and I had no idea. What I thought was simple academic stress was a lot more about how this unnatural insecurity grew. I always felt like friends I knew on campus thought I was pathetic for struggling so hard, that I was at fault, that I failed as a person and therefore failed as a student. This would affect the way that I study, I couldn't sit still because I was so scared that even in my attempt to be productive I would fail and seem pathetic. I couldn't sit with others in the school library, I couldn't breathe easy at the place I rented since I lived with friends I went to campus with, it was a suffocating academic scene.

With my family, it made me create my own expectations instead of having any imposed on me. I constantly thought that I couldn't disappoint them, whether it was school, a career plan, my ability to be social, well-liked by peers and family friends. So even though they didn't have any set-in-stone expectations, my fear wanted to avoid being seen as pathetic, and in turn created expectations that I had to live up to. So whenever shit hit the fan, they really were concerned and disappointed, and it really did feel pathetic. Except I could only feel disappointment because I was so obsessed with not wanted to be perceived as pathetic. I couldn't even feel their concern, I could only confirm that I had become exactly what I wanted to avoid, only because I was stuck feeling insecure the entire time. My dad is a teacher. Whenever he asked if I was studying or checking in with my school life, it brought that "academic stress" back home. He would ask so often that I felt anxious trying to study at home and dreaded that type of conversation when I was free during the day. I thought I just didn't like being nagged for not studying but really it was a constant reminder that I didn't want to disappoint him. It definitely affected my relationship with him.

This was all happening and I didn't know why. Until one day I did, and it hit me. That I've been creating this fear to the point that my reality is so deluded. I could never really grasp the reasoning though. Is it

maybe if I'm seen as pathetic by people I care about, then that devalues the nature of a close relationship? And so, I don't have any real close relations? So I'm just walking through life "happy" but not really connected with anyone?

I'm not too sure. I never figured it out. But if those questions were the case, having this fear and not even being connected with yourself is worse than being late to figuring out that you're not connected to anyone. Plus it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy that you don't want to be pathetic yet you slowly fear all your relationships and you become worse and are seen as pathetic. I've gotten a lot better since realizing it. I've set the intention to be good to myself and believe in the relations that I've built. But even now, it's hard.