I tried, still thinking
I had a plan to first break up with my gf then kms (ofc i would try to make people hate me first). I broke up w my gf though I'm still not sure I had the full intent to die anytime soon. The next day I went out with a friend and I saw someone who had often sexually harassed me at school in a starbucks, which was quite scary considering last I heard he was in jail. A lot of things happened between me and my 'friend' and I left his house shortly after. When I got home I started to regret everything and the anxiety of not having a gf to lean on and seeing that man in a starbucks really weighed in on me. I confided in a close friend of mine and she talked me down from 8 pills to 5. I took 500mg (total) of zoloft that night. I knew I wasn't going to die, I didn't really want to, I just needed a break from everything that was happening and a hospital trip really sounded better than school (keep in mind I DID go to my mom asking if I could go to a mental facility beforehand and she didn't take me seriously). I woke up and threw up everything into a bag i had for safety measures. After a long night of me asking to go to the hospital and my mom shrugging it off as me having anxiety, even when i told her i attempted she wouldn't take me, I had to go to school anyway (i was very drugged out and not having it).
Flash forward some friends and I who have been thinking about living together for a while now got into a minor split of opinion on going north or south cali, and I ended up just being dropped from the equation to make it easier. I was scared, I wanted to die, I knew I was going to kill myself the moment I left the nest because I've been planing to for years, moving in with my friends was the only thing that would stop me on bad nights because I would think "no, they would be really sad that I ruined our plans" and ig that just *doesn't matter anymore* so whats the point?
I told them I'll be willing to move north as they planned just recently but now they're moving in with their boyfriends. I feel really stuck now and I'm not seeing a reason to go on in life. The only thing I've ever been good at is art and even then I have trouble finishing pieces since I get so depressed. I am not thinking of making it past 27.
I know it's stupid to vent on a damn manga site but its really the only place I can go seeing as I don't want to hurt my friends by telling them this
edit 12/2020: im feeling over all better now. i still have nights where everything feels impossible and staying clean is hard but one of the friends i was planning to move in with turned around and is now my biggest supporter. art is still hard but im starting to finish pieces slowly.. thank you for your concern it means a lot to me that some strangers actually read my vent and i hope everyone who could relate feels better soon and know it isnt a linear recovery!
Messages
About your art, try to make small pieces, the kind you can make in once sitting. It will maybe give you the desire to do more and step up + it’s really rewarding to finish a piece.
Please try to meet up and just spend Time with your friends if it makes you happy, just stay in touch with them. You feel desappointed that you won’t move with them but maybe it is for the best, it’s not easy to live with new people even if you are close to them.
Leaving the nest has it’s pros and cons and I know it’s hard to deal with someone who doesnt understand you. My mom was the same as yours I think they are in denial because hey u give birth to a child and now he is feeling deeply unhappy it’s hard on parents. You don’t have to forgive her for brushing away your feelings but don’t push her away nonetheless some love can save your life.
You might feel so low rn but please keep going, don’t give up. One day you’ll look behind you and realise the worst passed. Then one day you will feel good and you’ll see that it would have been a shame to end things then.
My answer is kind of messy but please stay alive and show the world how good your art is.
being suicidal is a funny thing. when you're really deep into it, it seems like your brain has trapped you from any rational thinking. I have planned going through with it three times but here I am I guess.
whenever I think back on those dark periods of my life, I can never remember why I wanted to do it. I get scared thinking how much I would have regretted it whenever anything happens. "I would've never heard this song again" "I would've never seen my dad again" "will my dogs understand that im actually gone?"
I guess what im trying to say is that you need to live for your future self. you need to live for all those memories that haven't happened yet. easier said than done, I KNOW, but that's not the point. you can do this, I believe in you :)
also about the art thing,, sometimes it's just easier to start something new, don't do something you aren't enjoying. I apologize for spelling and grammatical errors, I am very tired and it is 5:40am, cheers!
I found this by chance and wow...its a lot to take in but I'm sorry to hear all this. HEaring that you want to die hurts my heart and hearing that your mom isn't taking it seriously hurts as well. I've gone through that but didn't have the guts to actually try.
Don't kill yourself. Death isn't worth it. I know hearing that doesn't sound like much but its true. You have a life that not many people get to have because it ends quickly for them by accident so don't end yours on purpose. If you have to, distract yourself. Pour your soul into your art and make a living from it. or find a hobby that makes you happy. I know sometimes it all feels useless ( I have depression as well and it hits me hard sometimes ) but you just have to look at the brighter side of everything and if you need it, find a support group or someone you can just pour it out on a DONT BE AFRAID TO CRY OR SCREAM. It gets to that point sometimes and after you do it, I can promise you'll feel a bit better. Stay strong. I hope I'm helping... I know I'm no expert but I feel hella hopeless sometimes.....but i know that it will get better. it has to.