Only twice but I think about it a lot

I tried to commit suicide only twice in my entire life and both times was within the last year. My mental health has been bad since high school but recently I’m terrified because I feel like I’m in too deep. (I’m a 3rd year in college) I can’t talk to my friends about it because to them I’m a hyper and outgoing person and I have a tendency to keep myself closed off even to my best friends idk why. I can’t even begin to talk to my family bc they’re conservative and we’re immigrants so they don’t really understand the concept of mental illness or depression/anxiety. I once tried to open up to them softly by saying I feel pressured and scared of being alive and my mom basically told me depression doesn’t exist and I should be grateful that I’m young and have a “good life”. So I’m trying to better myself alone I talk to therapists online and call the national suicide hotline whenever I feel myself wanting to die. It’s not the best solution but it does help a little. I think once I’m older and able to move out of my parents’ I will definitely start seeing a therapist in person or admit myself to a psych ward.