suicide vs non existence

im gonna go on a ramble here because im bored.

i feel like theres a difference between wanting to not exist and to commit suicide. for me, who has wanted to do both theres such a different vibe to the two of them. wanting to not exist is just a feeling of solace, its not that im sad or angry im just me. like i dont have a passion to live, but also i dont want to die. dying is so annoying, it hurts the people around me, its an overall burden. but not existing; people wont be sad because they never have met you, its not a burden to die because your never going to die. im not sad that i dont want to exist, to me its just a thought of "if i had a choice to be born or not, i wouldve chosen not to be born".

now for suicide, i was in a really bad state of mind. i was angry, i wanted to not only kill myself but to harm the people around me. i hated everyone, i genuinely wanted to jump off a bridge. i would have depressive episodes and would skip school and not do work for weeks, and i would have extremely bad arguments with my mom about the littlest things.

the worst thing about feeling suicidal (for me) is that i blamed the others around me. if i had problems with my friends, i would always blame it on them even if i was the one who started it. i dropped most of my friends because i know it wasn't doing them OR me any good because it caused both of us to have a lot of stress.

the worst thing about non existence is probably explaining it to people, i sound completely stupid because a lot of people think i want to die and they get worried. but i dont want to die, but at the same time i dont want to live. im not worried to die, it comes to everyone but i dont want to wait for death to take me. im not going to kill myself, its too fucking annoying. living is okay, im fine for where ever life is gonna take me.

does anyone relate? idk how to end this, tbh its just mindless ranting at 2 am here.