Love is pretty painful

Okay so I dont know if anyone is gonna bother reading this. Just thought I should throw this here because I'm lonely and its valentines day. I'll probably spend it with my manga and paintings surrounding me.

Anyways, ever since I was little I never found guys sexually or anythingly attractive. Yeah so normal people would think yeah I'm probably a lesbian or something. But no, its the fact that I was addicted to anime boys (And Yaoi). My dream was to finally get married to my anime boyfriend and live happily ever after.

But no! Instead I realised me and my best friend had something going on. When I say something. I mean he was not my boyfriend. Yet he would call me beautiful every time he saw me, he always stuck by my side. Smiled, taught me how to play games-

Wait. So basically let me tell you what taught me how to play games means.

I was a insecure little ass. So I did this horrible thing that I regret and faked a whole personality in front of everyone I knew. You see I loved the idea of a bimbo for some reason. I thought guys liked dumb girls. So people would whisper the word sex if I was in the room thinking I was an innocent naive little thing. So what I would do is I would make this face that looks like a lost child...I was psycho enough to have practiced fake smile or laugh. But that's the kind of family I lived in.

Anyways, this poor boy thought I didn't know how to play games and wrapped his arms around me to guide me. Best moment...nope second best moment of my early teens.

The first best moment felt like it came from a fairy tale. It was new years eve and we were waiting outside for the fireworks. But living in england, it started to rain. So he ran, got a umbrella and stood over me. And to me there was only us in the world.

It's one of my most cherished memories.

But ofcourse my sister got annoyed cause no one was holding an umbrella for her. So she decided to feed him and ruin our moment.

"Why is she only under the umbrella" that's literally what she said. She never liked us together though. I get why. He was sweet.

But theres just something's that we should stay away from.

So I liked this guy until 4 years ago. To say my love life got easier after that is a lie. To me love is something painful.

My dad has autism and cant control his anger. Hes low on the spectrum but still. My mum is a very .... not very considerate so there was quite a bit of domestic abuse from the both. I never wanted love after seeing them. But dont worry they're okay now they've learnt how to love each other and understand. It's hard when you dont know what your working with.

So even when I liked Noah (it's not his name) I didnt see my life with him. I always saw myself as a independent buisness woman who would live with her cats. Until I met someone who changed my life. And showed me I can be loved and do what I want. I can love without a facade.

He confused me. And I was torn between Noah and him. So I did a test. I went up to Noah and teased him and when our lips were a centimetre apart I stopped. And his face came to mind. My heart didnt flutter. I thought oh shit. And walked off.
Me and Noah meet now and then but it was awkward at first. We never spoke because that's not what we did. Sometimes I wonder if it was all in my imagination.

Anyways...me and my new love are not together. Why? Because he still has things he needs to do. And so do I. I want to be that strong woman that little girl dreamed of and I'll wait till hes ready. Till the world brings us back together. And that's why for me love is sad. And painful but let me tell you its beautiful ♡