i need help lmfao

*TW: suicide*

i have passive suicidal thoughts for like 2 years (?) since im too much of a coward to even think of acting on such thoughts. anyways idk how to deal with them and i cant talk to the only friends i have bc theyre not the type of friends you can talk abt more serious and dark things w and my parents, i can't tell them by any means. I'm an only child, i don't want to disappoint them. I tried going to those hotlines or whatever but i didnt get anyone. Does anyone know how i can deal with this? i'm so sick of it but i can't talk to anyone, and i feel like my struggles are kind of invalid since i don't have that terrible of a life despite how im struggling terribly mentally.

anyways yeah sorry for the rant <3