Childhoods and trauma

I’m someone who tend to keep to themselves and ignore the world around me. Mostly because most of my memory is of my parents constantly screaming or yelling at something/someone and of me just shutting out the world reading and watching youtube because I felt like I was unwanted or didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I have pretty terrible social anxiety and overthink a lot, also very easily develop obsessions (not drugs or alcohols though) like internet, food, or even something simple like a running idea. I have 2 actual friends and only my direct family who I can speak comfortably with, and regard others as outsiders that I need to be wary of and tend to feel alert with and afraid of (which is why all my other relationships with people have failed and I’m one of the rare adults that hasn’t dated nor flirted with anyone).

My parents were the norm asian parents who used belts, slaps, and basically any kind of punishment you could do with a hand and feet, and the usual always saying something personal about you to your relatives and making up stories about what you said or did without you remembering you did it because you are ‘forgetful’. Some most traumatic moments in my life was when my mom came up to me in the shower and intimidated me while I was stark naked with the water running for not listening to her while in front of other people then proceeded to twist my earlobes and another when she pushed me out of the car and almost fell flat into concrete because I took too long getting out of the house, and when my dad used the belt on my birthday because I wouldn’t cooperate to go to my birthday dinner because I didn’t want to go out since I didn’t have my clothes on yet.

I kind of regard these as my traumas and get really scared of my parents, especially my mom, at times despite being pretty arrogant in front of them. It’s not like I wanna sound impudent but I have an extremely sarcastic personality and a naturally talkative person and when I accidentally blubber shit I have a habit of freezing and waiting for their reactions before relaxing, and when I sense that they’re in a bad mood I get anxious if I get too close to them. My parents are kind of like ticking time bombs that you have to read before you say lr do anything. They could be extremely chill or extremely pissed in almost a span of a minute.

They’re not bad parents in the slightest, they raised me well and gave me more privileges than most kids probably got, but on the few occasions they do hit me or comment on how terrible my lifestyle is, I get overly emotional and start crying like a baby, which got worse as I get older. I’m an emotional person, and I read that people who were used to being hit get less emotional and doesn’t cry as easily, and I get angry at myself for not being like that. As a result I have cried on multiple occasions in public and it made me feel so ashamed since other people was there probably judging me and my family.

My best friend doesn’t cry often and was extremely abused by her parents, which is why I sometimes don’t have the guts to bitch about my emotional ass problems to her, since she has it worse and I’m afraid of her thinking that I thought my problems was worse than her’s and that I was just being a pampered know-it-all. It felt kind of stupid to me that I’m crying about all these problems when there she was blatantly taking abuse without so much as flinching and I felt jealous of her in a way. Ofc that didn’t mean I wanted to be in her situation, and I have supported her in every way I could, but as asians living in an asian country heavily dependent on parents to not be casted off the streets, we both had no other way to prevent her abuse but to support each other until she can eventually move out.

I think of all these problems from time to time and think that I’m being dramatic about my situation. Cuz obviously, my life is great. I’m not starving, I can buy anything I want in moderation, my family loves me, and I have a best friend I can count on to cheer me up. But then I go back to that bubble when suddenly all my happy memories are gone and then I’m left just there reliving all these things that happened in the past that felt more like a dream I made up when I should just forget them and move on with my life. I’ve developed binge eating as a coping mechanism when stressed and I used habitually starve myself because I felt too fat, and still do. As a result of the pandemic, my binge eating finally got the best of me because of the stress of being at home all the time with my family and I gained so much weight I feel terrible and gross most of the time. Not to mention the constant pressure from my parents constantly reminding me of just how much I have gained despite already being pretty chubby for an asian. Not to mention the pressure of my grades constantly dropping to the floor despite never getting less than a 70 on my worse subject before I started uni.

I sometimes think maybe once I start working and start seeing less and less of them I’d finally feel like I’m free and can finally feel alive again, but then I remember that I’m basically useless without my parents’ support and I was in no way self-sufficient enough nor did I have the courage to leave my family behind. Then I get scared of the future where I’d have to eventually start a family if I’d be a good wife or if my husband would even love me because of my mother’s constant rant about how no man truly loves women and that it’s on the women to make sure a man won’t cheat on her, which I know I’m not strong enough to prevent nor be able to bear. Hell, I’m terrified I won’t even be ABLE to marry because of my weird personality and crippling anxiety. But most of all, I’m terrified of having children which I used to dream about, because I don’t want to end up becoming a controlling helicopter parent like my mother.

I’m honestly just making a rant here because I’m feeling pretty bad lately and wanted to destress a little. Take what I said as you will, because honestly even I don’t believe I should be complaining this much.

Side edit : I find it pretty hilariously ironic I posted this under the let’s be positive thread cuz I didn’t read that before I wrote this.