Trust issues with urself r the scariest

Even though I tell my friends I totally trust u and stuff. In reality I'm never able to even if they r good ppl and I'm pretty close to them. I am unconsciously making a back up plan in my mind incase of betrayal at the same time I'm saying "I trust u". I'm not even aware I'm doing it sometimes. There's this voice in my head that says : I knw there's no chance they'll let me dwn but... What if they do.

This is actually a really bad thing cause I'm not able to stay real. I constantly conceal my emotions my opinions and my personality. I become really fake cause I don't trust ppl enough to reveal my true self.
U can say I'm like an egg. Really tough and strong outside but too weak and vulnerable inside. Soo if I show them the real me and they bully me or something I'm unable to defend myself and end up being a pushover. It's actually because I really like them and don't want to fight but they use it to keep on insulting me.

I'm not good at being in a relationship because of this. But I realised what I was like by the time I had a second boyfriend . And understood I was really betraying him by concealing my true self and showing him only my outside self. It was the same with my family too but I'm trying to improve after I broke up with my 2nd bf. The past 2 years I've been in the process of trusting myself to be real. And I'm happy with my new self. But there's still trust issues with other ppl.

Being in a relationship really scares me. The idea of gradually revealing all of u to a person and trusting he will like u 4 what u r....... Screw that shit.
Ahhh whatever.
I'll think about it when I face it....