Am I valid for feeling this way?
"Angry" "Frustrated" "Mad" "Livid" "Furious"
These words can't even begin to explain the way I'm feeling right now.
A few days back I wanted to buy a phonecase from an OL shop. I wanted to treat myself because it was my and my brother's birthday so I wanted to get him a gift too. I couldn't immediately purchase it because I needed to ask permission from my father if I could because I'm living with my family and I respect that since it's not just me in the house I need to inform them of deliveries and orders that I'm going to make.
A little later after dinner I asked for his permission and I don't understand what prompted him to say NO. I couldnt comprehend and ask "why" and he said since I already have a phonecase he doesn't see the need to buy another one. Then I told him but Dad you have 3 phone cases that you bought and you spent almost 12 dollars for 3 for your own phone and I just want to buy one for me and my brother which costs only 1.5 dollars per set. He said "NO" if you get it in Online shop you can't be sure if it would be in good condition. It might probably be broken if it arrives here and it would be a waste of money. I couldn't comprehend because the week before that he told me to browse for webcams online to attach to the computer. He said that he is different because he is the father and that he could do anything he wanted. I reasoned "I'm not even going to use your money. I'm going to use my own money which I worked hard for. I'm not even specing much."
"NO means NO. Listen to me and shut up! Anymore from you and you wouldn't like what I would do to you!"
What could I have done except for shut up? Was I wrong because I spoke back to him? Was I wrong because I tried to do something that I want? Was I wrong because I wanted something for myself?
I'm 19 so help me God. Why doesn't my father respect me? All for a phonecase that I asked permission for if I could buy. I could have ordered without telling him but since I respected him I told him. Why is it like this? Why am I not allowed to do something as simple as ordering or getting something that I want. It's not even about the phone case anymore. I couldn't understand just why. Why can't he understand
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Yanah1412, I would go far as to say that any way you feel is absolutely valid. Especially in this case, with your father’s authoritarian parenting style and all. It’s so tough to live with people who are so angry and incorrigible. And it’s not like you can just move out, since there’s still a lot we may rely on our parents for. Plus, where I live, the Bay Area is way too expensive.
Any who, your father is definitely being unreasonable and unbelievably rude to you! Simply because needs to satiate his desire to have control. He also probably believes that since he’s your biological father, you have to obey his every word, but news flash! It takes more than biology to be a true father/parent.
While my parents are not that way, I still feel the immense frustration when they just don’t understand my necessity/desires for privacy and independence. By talking with friends or in this case, us mangago users, hopefully this eases some of your stress.
You’re amazing for putting in the effort to cope with your situation. Stay strong!
An authoritarian parenting style like that is the most difficult to reason with. He sounds like a “my way or the highway” kind of man. My suggestion is when you want something to ask him in a different way. Eg., “Hey Dad, I have something I would like to ask. Do you have a moment to hear me out and think about it before you answer? I put some thought into the positives and negatives like you taught me. I would like to order a blah blah from blah, it costs $x and I can pay for it from my savings. I would like to get it for (insert reasons) and I realise that I need to be cautious because online shopping can be (insert negative) but I am prepared for the risk because it’s only $x and it would be great for (insert positive).”
Yeah..it’s calculated buttering up, but authoritarian style parents like to think you value the stuff they have said like it’s Gospel. It never works to argue with that parenting style, they just get their back up. You can only present your best reasonable request and maybe end with an “Ah..ok..that makes me sad but thanks for listening” and walk away sadly. He may change his mind if he actually hears feelings coz he would love you. His reasoning sucks but you can’t point that out at the time ╮(￣▽￣)╭
I feel for you though. Next time maybe skip the request for small things.
Honestly this has been going on for years. I've tried everything and if I don't tell my father about "EVERYTHING" that I do for the next few moths he always says "NO" to everything I say.
Yes, you’re completely valid for feeling this way! As an 18y/o in a similar situation, I get u.
“Listen to me and shut up! Anymore from you and you wouldn't like what I would do to you!" — this is a biggggg red flag, the angry outburst & the (honestly quite concerning) threat is the sign of a panicked narc trying to grasp back control/power. Dude u should check out r/raisedbynarcissists on reddit, the ppl there definitely helped me come to terms with stuff
Ur completely valid for feeling this way, I am also treated like I am not an autonomous human being & and treated like I don’t deserve respect & should just shut up and obey *or else*. Anyway it’s a method of control, ur right in that it’s not about the phone case at all - he feels like the power he has always held over you is being threatened & is lashing out. I know those were rhetorical questions, but u were not wrong, he just perceived your actions as wrong because you threatened his ultimate control by 1. speaking back and 2. wanting to do something for yourself (without his permission & therefore slipping out of his control). +I guess also because they always perceive themselves as right, so the idea of you implying they are wrong about their judgement of online purchases/calling out their hypocrisy (buying a webcam online but not a phone case) is completely unacceptable to them and will often result in angry outbursts. Generally speaking, a parent who exhibits narcissistic behaviour like this will NOT understand, they just don’t get it. You see it as just doing something for yourself and living like a regular 19 year old, they see it as a threat/disobedience.
Thank you so much. I feel like I've understood much better about my own circumstances and position.
You absolutely didn't do anything wrong ! It was very responsible and right of you to ask your father for permission even though you didn't really needed to. You're already 19 and I don't see a problem with you buying a new phone case. I mean, you're even using your own money, which you worked really hard for and you definitely deserve treating to yourself something ! Buying something for your brother too is so sweet of you by the way ! Don't let yourself feel down because of what your father said, alright ? I also can't say what is wrong with him. He seems pretty unreasonable and rude. I hope that he just had a bad day, which doesn't excuse his behavior, and that he won't act that way again. Just do whatever you want to and buy yourself that phone case ! If you get caught, everything he does from there on , can be used against him in case he resorts to violence or insults and screams at you. You're definitely worthy of being respected and sound like an really upright and nice person ! He should be more understanding and supportive as a parent and if you ever want to talk about something, feel free to write me ! I hope your circumstances improve and you will be able to have a better relationship with your father. You don't have to apologize for anything and unless he apologized seriously first I wouldn't easily forgive him. I wish you a good day and hope that my advice was helpful to you ! Just remember that you're worthy of being respected and that you're an awesome person ! (๑•ㅂ•)و✧
Thank you so much. You don't know how much this means to me. I appreciate you
I totally understand you I'm 20 and I have to tell my father even when I'm going to the mail. I've never been to a school trip because he never let me but all my siblings have been in trips I mean why? Angry sad frustrated and disappointed are things that I love with but because I know I don't live in my house ik I can't do anything sometimes is so hard to try reasoning with him is like as if he only hears, understand and say what he wants. I think is normal you ate feeling that way I mean anyone would feel that way. I also don't know what to do he so so controlling and sometimes so manipulator:'(
Most of the times I just cry. The built up frustration and how little he thinks of me. I just can't understand why. I can't even go outside with my friends because everytime I ask for permission he says NO. I don't know what to do
You are an adult whith your own mony. if it is mony you saved instead of earned in a job it is still your mony. And respect is earned not expected. I doasn't matter how old you are you are a human whith your own head on your sholders. I don't know you or your home situation so I can't comment on the situation further, but remember you are also a human who also needs respect. (sorry for my english)
Thank you. I just wish my father would understand.