Long + Loner + Love

This is going to be long, I apologize. I'm a loner. I don't have friends and I don't really talk to people. I never realized that at this point in my life I was going to be like this until I looked into my past. 4th grade I hanged out with 2 people. A guy and a girl but the girl moved classes so we talked less and the guy just didn't really hang with me. In 5th grade I saw I only had one friend. She said I would start off with quiet hello's everyday and that I was a quiet one. She ended up transferring and I didn't have any friends in that class. Although next door was the other 5th grade class who I knew some people and would hang out with them for a bit during lunch. In middle school my friends were different and they stayed with me for the 3 years. We were a group of 4-6 and I realized I was never close with either of them besides this one girl. I knew another girl in middle school and we would talk but we never really were in the same group until high school. Freshman year the one girl I was close with in middle school moved so I didn't have any friends besides the one girl I talked to and the guy in middle school drifted off and became closer to this other girl. I hung out with the girl and her friends who I knew, they were really sweet and I liked them. Then sophomore year, we were a group of 4, half of them left. The other girl and I didn't really talk to each other so I just kinda ended up by myself. I got used to it after a year. The junior I transferred and my anxiety about moving to another school with other people I didn't know killed me. I wasn't comfortable and I was so scared I wanted to cry. There were a few occasional people I would say hi to but I was alone until I graduated.

I had this guy I realized I liked in 6th grade when an acquaintance I knew started dating him. I was devastated but kept my feelings quiet. I continued to like him but and I saw he dated these girls, one who which I really wanted to be friends with but I thought she was too cool, and when I heard of how she met him I knew I couldn't do anything. They were together from 8-9th grade. Then 10th grade he dated this girl who was my friends friend and I realized I would never be able to tell him how I feel. I compared myself to them and thought I was never pretty enough to be next to him. I wasn't funny enough or kind enough. I just wasn't enough. So I just watched him quietly and my heart would flutter but I would be so broken. He was the first guy I ever liked. I don't think I will ever date.