me venting cause I can't afford a therapist

TW: suicide & sexual assault

I don't see my future I don't have life goals I tried to think about it but I really don't have any also my motivation to live is on the edge I wake up and go straight to my phone to see any updates from mangago that's how I get up in the morning so I could see those updates it started when I was grade 6 all my problems were adding up I'm still not over of me getting groomed at the age of 6 that's how I was introduced to porn in a young age I watched different kinds cause I was trying to find and feel the pleasure again I felt when I was 6 I also started masturbating when I was 10 I got caught by my uncle he filmed a video of me doing it without me knowing he would do this everynight and I'll try to delete it if I had the chance I also told my family what happened when I was 6 they got sad for an hour but then just acted it never happened I've been trying to hurting myself when I remember it sometimes stabbing myself using a pen or a cutter but after a year I stopped I tried to take a good look in life that I should just let it go but I still have nightmares and when I entered grade 7th I tried to look for boys I wanted to try to have sex and also had fetishes of me getting violated by an old man cause I thought I deserved it I was already "tainted" what's the matter if I try to do it again and I always thought I was pregnant as a kid also one of the reasons why I try to hurt myself and even punch my stomach as hard as I could but now since I moved in with my uncle and his family I've been planning to kill myself when I turn 18 which is in 2 years I'm gonna kill myself after my bday I'm already so tired I'm venting to a bunch of strangers in a illegal website cause I'm scared to say this things to my family that I know and very sure that they'll side with my uncle cause that's the kind of a person they are and I know that cause of my cousin still enjoying his life why I suffer in pain lmao.


thank you for letting me vent and this is also one of the first time I really get to vent I'm very sorry too cause it's very long and I'm not very good with grammar sorry if you can't understand it thank you again!!! also please before anyone comments why I'm venting instead of calling the police I'm already at disadvantage in so many things so just let this one go ok!!