I've always been alone
If I think about it even as a child, was alone. The neighborhood kids didn't like me and I was homeschooled until second grade when or around the time, my parents divorced. When it came to friends, I was always the older one or the youngest one. I was always approached and I never did the approaching, I did have a best friend and a friend in 3rd grade, but they were bad influences. I was a teachers pet and tattle tell, so eventually we stopped being friends and it wasn't just because of that. My mom moved a lot, different states and different areas. My mom eventually left me and my siblings at my dad's house, telling us she'd come get us after a year, but nope. It past a year and I found out about her remarrying on facebook, where she was showing off her diamond ring. I liked being with my mom, taking care of my baby siblings, sleeping in her bed and having fun alone times with her, going places. Halfway through 6th grade, she came and took us out of school immediately, taking us to a new house. It was in the country and I slowly became reclusive, very quiet and barely spoke. I didn't make friends at my new school, I followed people who talked to me once to breakfast, so I wouldn't have to sit beside strangers. I wrote in a notebook at lunch instead of eating the stupid salads I was given, only because I was self conscious. I was always looking down and whenever I went outside, I'd sit alone and watch everyone. I enjoyed going to the library and writing in my notebook, but my fear of bugs increased and I stopped going outside, like I did at my dad's house. My stepdad was nice, but I was uncomfortable around him, because my mom filled my head with dangers of older people. I eventually didn't like being around any older men and now I don't like being around anyone whose a adult. After 6th grade, my mom went back to homeschool, because my little sister was being abused by her teacher. I got used to cooking, washing clothes, reading manga, watching things, etc. We moved again and I was still homeschooled, but I found this app called kik and I texted a lot. Unfortunately for me, I grew accustomed to pretending to be someone I made up and I ended knowing about a lot of mature things. Going into 9th grade, we moved again, but we didn't have a house yet, so I lived with my grandma for a couple of months. My mom sent me and my siblings to a religious school and at first I liked it, but it was too much for me and I felt suicidal. I became a really good friend to someone younger than me there, but as a Atheist I didn't enjoy doing the religious things there and felt they were unnecessary. I was private person and eventually stopped talking about myself, distanced myself away from my friend, because they talked to me a lot about their problems and would always come to me for a answer or help. That's what friends do, but you gotta be there for me to and not use me for your own benefit, but I also didn't wanna influence or say something wrong. Near the end of the year, I was allergic to trees, grass, pollen and got bronchitis, my mom had me do school work at home and video call for my classes. I hate going to the school, but did all my work and the school was small and mostly relying on the internet already. The doctor tried to prescribe me narcotics, that could make me get addicted to drugs and my mom didn't take the prescription. I didn't get better, but at least I don't have to see those people at school anymore. I don't have anything planned for the future or anything I want to do, but I can say I do enjoy being alone. When I'm speaking to adults or in public, I'm always poise (someone told me I was) and respectful, basically not myself and I hate that. I stopped talking and being friends with people over the internet so I face reality more and it's working. Even though I'm alone, it's a real eye opener and gives you time to think.
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I never fit it. I stick like a sore thumb. I've had peers pointing their fingers at me, but the saddest thing if having them ignore my existence. I've been struggling with loneliness. I've been plagued by my own self hate and damaged my self worth. Right now, I'm worn out. In my struggle to survive in the jungle of social connections, I tried so hard to fit in, that right now I feel like every interaction is shallow. Even though there are times tjat I am happy, it will never be enough to fill an empty portion of me.
I’ve never fit in. Not since I was young, and I went to a public school. I made friends easily but ended up hating them. Time went on, I got new friends, ones that didn’t treat me like crap. I graduated primary school and I never saw most of them again. It didn’t make me sad. There were still a few that went to the same high school and I absolutely hated it. “If only they weren’t here..” I wanted a fresh start so badly. I made friends again with new people. I ended up hating them too. Changed schools soon enough, which made me incredibly lucky. I unfriended over 46 friends on Facebook. I wanted my fresh start so desperately this time. But when I got it, I realized nothing had changed. Its difficult to realize certain things about yourself, undoubtedly, and so it took me time to realize that I really was antisocial. My mum would occasionally call me it but I just passed it off as a joke every time. I just couldn’t be, I don’t know why. I was in denial. This time I didn’t make friends right away, in fact by the time I changed schools I think I had been without friends for 3 years which kind of drove me insane. So the next year I make friends again. I saw a new girl sitting alone and took the opportunity. I smiled and talked to her, she was a quiet girl, good natured and didn’t know English as much as she would’ve liked after moving to the country only 6 months ago. She laughed and had fun talking with me. That was good. Then I no longer had to be alone since it was driving me crazy. I made friends with a couple of other people too and I knew that my relationships wouldn’t last long. That buzz of learning about an entirely different person would soon end. When I’m with other people I know how to be good, I know what to do and what to say. I never conform to their standards although still manage to please them. Is it wrong that I make these people happy? Even though I can’t care for them in the slightest? I could change schools all over again and start from scratch. I know that I am using the people I’m with so not to be alone but at the same time being with them is frustrating. They irritate me in every way, yet I manage to still smile and be good. Is it wrong? That I can’t care? Being good hurts. Acting like I care hurts. I can’t connect with others, believe me I’ve tried. I’ve had countless friends and countless failures. I make myself miserable being good but what’s the alternative? For someone like me, it doesn’t matter who I’m with, I am alone. And I am growing tired of these games. I have no trauma, no terrible experiences. So why can’t I care? Why does this always turn out the same way regardless of what I do? Was I just born this way? Will I ever feel the way other people feel? I’m left with unanswerable questions.
I understand because for a long time i have been alone,my siblings have always over shadowed me,i was intimidated by their loud friends so I became quite quiet and reserved and was never myself around them in fear of being ridiculed by my siblings who unintentionally belittle and make fun of me.I struggle to articulate myself and I have always blended into the background I'm caring towards my friends and always put them first be i always feel invisable.but thanks to the internet i too have a place to escape to when the real world is too much for me,giving me a little bit of comfort where i am amoug many people like myself who are not so alone as they thought they were
I understand because for a long time i have been alone,my siblings have always over shadowed me,i was intimidated by their loud friends so I became quite quiet and reserved and was never myself around them in fear of being ridiculed by my siblings who unintentionally belittle and make fun of me.I struggle to articulate myself and I have always blended into the backgroung I'm caring towards and friends and always put them first be i always feel invisable.but thanks to the internet i too have a place to escape to when the real world is too much for me,giving me a little bit of comfort where i am amoug many people like myself who are not so alone as they thought they were
i can relate to that very well. . .
you see, i was a people-pleaser for a very long time yet there were a lot of people coming to me to talk about their worries or issues. i actually didn't want that, on the one hand i felt happy that they chose me to listen to their stories but on the other hand i really felt uncomfortable because of their expectations of solving their problems for them. the feeling of that responsibility crushed me in the end, and i stopped saying the things i actually believed in but started saying only the things they'd want to hear. so that kind of made me lose sight of myself and i ultimately distanced myself from the people around which is why i can also say that i don't have any friends. and that doesn't feel too good but it's also kind of comfortable because you know- you won't be betrayed like that and you won't be able to betray someone.
but being alone made me realize a lot of things about myself just like it did for you. reading your story made me realize that once again, so thank you.