best mommy in the world

well..i love my dad, i mean apart from a few fights there and then i still know that he loves me. but my mom... she's traumatized me forever: physical abuse ever since i was a child, guilt tripping, manipulation (telling us she hits us because she loves us and that its a form of teaching) and anger issues (the reason why she is the way she is) however the thing that traumatized me the most is how she reacted when i told her about the sexual assault i had to experience. well.. it's something i never talk about because of how disgusted and ashamed i am of myself but it happened when i was around seven. my older cousin used to role play with me as if we were in a relationship etc and well..one day she touched my private parts and i remember being so confused and ashamed of myself. and when i came clear and admitted everything that happened, she didn't want to talk to me for days. she treated me as if it was my fault and tbh i kinda think it was mine too but then i have to remind myself that i got tricked and that i was young and naive. but still a part of me tells me to shut up because it wasnt that serious..but yeah. after that when i got my period at eleven the first thing she did was cry and tell me (makes absolutely no sense) "the only reason u got ur period so early is because ur body still has that sexual desire from years ago and thus wants to become a woman"...like uh??? u seriously need to visit something called school (but when i say that she gets mad and screams at me how school doesn't teach shit because of how disrespectful i am towards her blah blah blah) well.. yeah this, slut shaming me/ sexualizing me as a CHILD, telling me to cover up because of my body BUT not my sister because she doesn't have to cover up, victimizing herself, physically abusing me and many many more things is what she has done to me. and im sorry but i just cannot love her. i just cant and i hate it when people come up my ass and tell me that i need to love her because she took care of me when i was a child and still feeds me etc. like.. shut up pleasee. and she still says that she wouldn't be that way if I WASN'T that way (disrespecting her when i literally only confront her and call out her actions and maybe sometimes just won't shut up) but like..what does she expect from me. SHE made me that way. if she treated me like a loving mother (not a manipulative mother who loves u for one second and that's it) i wouldn't be treating her this way today. but yeah anyways i wrote a lot lmao who even reads this. i just needed to get this off my chest (been keeping this myself for way too long) and since noone knows me here (at least i hope lool) why not jajwja