Most likely childhood trauma. A TL;DR will be at the end
TW: Child molestation.
Okay, so I know this really isn't a good place to talk about this incident but I really don't want to talk about this with my friends or family or people I'm close with. But I really just wanna talk about this with someone.
When I was younger I had a friend and this friend had an older sister. At the time I was 5 or 6 and didn't really know what was going on, and at first, she made up a game called horsey ride or some shit like that where we sat on her lap and she would make us bounce on her lap so it would be like if we were on a horse.
And I kid you fucking not whenever we did this she would always make me go first, and I was so fucking stupid because I had no idea what was happening, so when we would be left alone in the closet she would take things farther and kiss me and now thinking about it makes me feel so disgusted with myself that I let her do that.
She would touch me in weird places and I'm only figuring this shit out and how bad this actually was. She was older than me by so many fucking years. And at times she would ask me if I felt good and she asked me to kiss her how I would kiss my boyfriend. This kept happening for multiple months until she stopped.
I don't even know what to do at this point and I think the only reason I let her do this was because my fucking cousin also did this to me when I was young and he was a guy.
Tl;Dr: When I was young two people touched me and kissed me and I didn't know this was bad until recently.
I'm really sorry about this. But I just wanted to talk about this.
Messages
Something similar happened to me when I was younger, maybe 6 or 7, I dont quite remember. A distant family member (and by distant I mean that my dads side of the family is all sorts of messed up, so we were probably not even remotely related) asked me to show him my privates if he showed me his. This guy was at least late teens. He showed me his and I said I didn't want to show mine. I don't really remember more then that. I didn't know what happened since I was really young and still the memory is blurry. This is really the first time I've ever told anybody this. I just want you to know that we did NOTHING wrong. We were just taken advantage of for our young age. Anyway just know you are the victim and you didn't do anything wrong.
Same thing happened to me when I was like 4 with a 16yo guy which eventually led up to something worse but anyways, I’m going to a therapist now and he’s on a pedo list basically, since persecution would be hard, as he was underage as well and it happened 11 years ago so I recommend mustering up a courage and going to a therapist, because underage or not that’s pedophilia, and you are a victim, so I’m here for you, I hope you feel better with time and don’t hesitate to reach out if u meed bestie
Thank you bestie you literally warm my heart