My Worst Sin
I guess since I am anonymous, I can get this off my chest.
When I was in primary school, roughly eight years old, I was introduced to one of my sister's friends, my sister was twelve at the time, and so was her friend, her friend's name was called Leah.
My sister, Leah and I both when to the same school so eventually, we were friends. I would play with Leah and my sister at her house, and often, maybe every five months, her step brother, Ian, would come over to visit as he was a working man at the time.
I didn't think much in to it when Ian would ask for a hug, or a kiss on the cheek, but after my second year of knowing him, he was strange, very strange, but at the time, I was naïve and I did not know much, heck, I thought he was my friend, my very first twenty-two year old friend.
One day, Ian, my sister and Leah were adventuring like any little kids were, of course with Ian's precautions, we were safe. My sister and Leah decided to split up and ran further in to a little creak we discovered, leaving myself and Ian alone, together.
At first, I was quite excited as I had the whole creak to explore, but we did no such thing. We travelled around and soon found a bank with a log, we sat down and watched the river flow, until he hugged me, although I was little, I felt in my heart that something was wrong, but I ignored it when he said "You must be cold, here." And gave his jacket. I was indeed cold.
A few minutes passed and then he placed me on his lap and started playing with my shoulder length hair, he was messaged my scalp and it was nice so I lend on his shoulders, but then he placed his hands in the inside of my shirt and grabbed my chest and smiled.
He said, "Do you know what these are?"
He pointed to my uh, buds, and smiled. I was terrified but I shook my head. He pressed them and started fiddling with them, I didn't know what was happening but I felt weird. Then, he grabbed my hips and started moving them, telling me to move up and down, which I followed along due to my clueless thoughts.
I then realised, something was wrong and I freaked out, I started crying and screaming for him to let me go, but he ushered me silent and placed me on the grass, my fear was growing high and my voice was cracking. I then wondered, where my sister was, why didn't I go with them? Why did I have to stay behind, why did they leave me?
I felt terrified when he raped me, I was scared for my life, I was scarred, I didn't know what to do after, my tears were long gone and soon, I passed out. The next day, Ian drilled in my head that what happened was a dream, that I ran and fell in to the water almost drowning. I didn't believe him, but the look on his face made me believe, and therefore, I was disillusioned.
I didn't tell anyone anything, I still carried on playing with my sister and Leah, heck, I even started playing with Ian as well, I was 'happy' I was playing with Ian.
I feel so disgusted in myself, I look back and think "Why did I let myself be taken by him?"
"Why didn't I just scream, oh I did"
Why was it my fault..
Messages
this is really messed up and that guy is fucked up for doing this to you. If I were with you I'd give you a real hug. I recently got some repressed memories triggered and realized I've been sexually assaulted before, but the guy who did it convinced me it was my fault it happened and out of shame I forgot about it and didn't tell anyone.
If I could give a message to the past me or to you it would be that it's NEVER your fault. NEVER. An event like this can be very detrimental to your help, I hope you are getting the help you need! I am currently looking on getting a therapist because I have trouble dealing with it, and your situation sounds scarring and horrifying. Good luck! And tell some people near you about it. Anyone, a friend, a partner, family, anyone. If you go to someone who cares they will listen. Please!
YEAH I KNOW what u mean cuze when i was child it did happen to me too but it was just sexual harassment i didn't let him go further i was stupid and i was just a kid i even didn't know what period was! and all the things and when i think back about him he was dirty and he was the cuze of my hating other mans and i can't trust anyone not only that it was awful. i hope u can find peace and happiness in u're life .
Oh my god I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I hope that motherfucker gets put in jail. But more importantly I hope that you will realize that what happened was absolutely not a sin YOU committed and that you did nothing wrong. I don’t know your circumstances but maybe you could talk to family or a counselor? It may help. I wish you the best.
It isn't your sin or your fault, so don't blame yourself. That sick minded asshole is in the wrong.
A story for a story.
When I was a first grader, there were these boys who were probably middle schoolers (I'm not sure; I just know they were way older than me.) We rode the same bus after school, and I always liked to sit at the back of the bus. I don't know why, nor do I remember when it started, but all I remember clearly is the feeling of being sexuality harassed. No one tried to help me, no one went to tell adults, the bus driver didn't see, everyone just turned a blind eye.
Being the dumb, naive kid that I was, despite the first few failed attempts at trying to stop them, I kept sitting at the back of the bus. I remember telling myself, "I'll stop them this time. I'll win this time," like the whole thing was a "challenge" to me. But each and every time I tried to put my plans of stopping them into action, they'd win over me because they were older and they were stronger.
I'd be sitting near the aisle, my hands gripped hard on edges of the seat to prevent them from pushing me in. But they'd pry my fingers off, force me to sit by the window, cover my mouth, force themselves onto me, and touch me everywhere.
Every time I think back to it, I always asked myself why I was so stupid. I could have sat at the front, could have had someone sit next to me, could have told a teacher or the bus driver. But I thought I could solve it on my own, until I couldn't anymore. In the end, I told my mom and she suggested I threaten them with calling the police. It worked, and after that, they stopped bothering me.
But this incident was what led me to find out about porn and sex and stuff at a very, very young age. It's what made me the dirty-minded person I am today.
Although I didn't end up being traumatized by the event, it was a life-changing moment nonetheless.
And it's not your fault. It's never your fault. You were a child, and you didn't know about those kind of things. The same couldn't be said about me though. I knew that what they were doing was bad, and I didn't like it one bit. But I kept going back anyways. I was partially at fault in my case, because I made that choice to confront them over and over again.
Thank you for sharing your story. Much loves (=・ω・=)
I was going to reply as the person above, it was not your sin. But more a scar that he has forced you to carry. It was wrong of him and I am quite angry that he wasn't caught.
I hope that you are alright, but when things like this happen it's hard to be alright. Because you keep remembering, which is probably why you are here commenting today.
Please do not let this eat you up. Please be okay. He'll get his karma.
I'm sorry this happened to you. This is not your sin; it is Ian's. You were young; you did not understand what was happening. He took advantage of these things and groomed you. You did not "let" him take you. You are not at fault. Please do not let anyone tell you otherwise, not even yourself.