just a rant nothing important

there's no need to read or respond to this bc it's just a rant of my thoughts atm I wanted to let out, this is ironically the safest place for me to go rn

I made this a question bc idk if you can unfollow an experience post so I'd rather not risk it

also if anyone decides to read it bc they're bored just a TW for mentions of su*cide





It took me so much courage to be able to ask if I could possibly get a therapist because I'm not feeling well mentally, you even said I seemed off too. So how do you think I'm gonna feel if you go behind my back and laugh about me asking about it. If you were gonna think it's ridiculous then why even lie to me and say you'll call or that she "hasn't called you back yet" why not just tell me you don't think I need one or even lie and say I wouldn't have any time to go to one. Why give me false hope that I would be able to get better. You could even just flat out tell me it's ridiculous to think that way.

You constantly tell me to do better in school but if I ask for some help while you can't be here, you always say "you'll get to it later", why not now? How can you say I need help but then not bother to help me. What do you expect me to do? get someone myself? With what money? Just because I can cook and clean doesn't mean I can pay bills. Just because I can take care of myself physically doesn't mean I can mentally. If you're my mother shouldn't you provide some support for me? Rather than scolding me for not doing well enough in school why don't you actually fucking try to help me.

If you think I'm useless why didn't you just abort me? Why did I have to be born and raised if you're just gonna treat me like I'm nothing to you? It seems like you don't listen to my words so what if I show you with actions? Will you finally get me a therapist if I try to hang myself? If I down 20 pills?If I create visible scars? Do I have to write a suicide letter for you to listen? What do I have to do to make you notice me? For you to listen? If that's what it takes then I should've acted on impulse a while ago. It's not like I have anything to lose. The only reasons I'm living rn is that I haven't beaten P5 or Genshin yet, I haven't finished reading tons of webtoons and manga yet, I haven't finished or started watching some anime yet, and I don't know how to tell my friends that I won't be seeing or talking to them anymore yet. In the long run, me dying won't have any effect on the world. The most impactful thing that would happen is there would probably be some grief, but that won't even last a month. No one's gonna suddenly change. Yeah, maybe for a week or so they might be sad but they'll just shake it off as if nothing happened. So? Do I have to die for you to realize that I needed help? What you don't realize is that I try reaching out but all you do is scold me. Remember that time I asked if you had to save me or your boyfriend and you said me? You hesitated. I should've known from then that I would have to get used to being in last place for your affection. But I was too happy that you picked me to even realize.

Maybe this is my last post, maybe it isn't. Idk. All I do know is that I'm very close to acting on impulse.






If you read this, thanks ig? Sorry for wasting your time, see ya.