guess what...

i-i’m gay. are you shocked?

no but for real i had a dream this one time (like a week ago, i think, so not so long ago) and it was fucking messed up. and i swear it made me more sure of the fact that i don’t EVER want to come out to my parents. i remember briefly, kind of and fucking shit, i hate it.

so... i was with my mum and we were talking, i think it was something to do with dating or getting married and i said i didn’t want to date/marry a man (i also say this irl with my mum so quite normal...for now) and somehow it turns into an argument, i’m not really sure how, but it probably was to do with me not wanting kids or because my mum always tells me “oh, you think like this because you’re young, but you will eventually want a husband and kids” and probably said this in this situation too. these arguments are quite normal between me and my mum, because i often say i don’t want to date/marry a man or have my own kids and sometimes how i’d gladly stop my period or go as far as saying i would gladly remove my sexual organs. a bit weird but never say it for REAL real (though i kind of do wish i had no sexual organs they just annoy me simply by existing within my body, i don’t know, okay?)

moving on. so we’re we’re arguing and she said some other stuff (i don’t remember them but i remember being quite offended by what she said) followed by her saying something like “what? are you gay or something”. i sat there for a while, really pissed off and she continued going on. i got so annoyed at one point i shouted “YEAH I AM GAY, SO WHAT?”. obviously bad fucking move, i was terrified after saying that. my mum was clearly disappointed and maybe quite disgusted. (irl she says she’s okay with gay people but i always feel like she’d kind of be happier if i turn out to be the perfect cishet christian daughter she wants.) and my dad (way worse than my mum in general), overheard what i had just said, grabbed me by the collar of my shirt tightly enough that my shirt was strangling me and i was having trouble breathing. his face was of pure rage and disgust. and throws me out of the house and so i was basically disowned at the end.

tbh i have no clue what my dad thinks of gay people (like if he’s homophobic or not) but he feels like he would be homophobic, purely from the way he acts, the way he talks and because he’s kind of racist, sexist, ableist, fatphobic, you name it.

i hope this made sense and that i didn’t speak nonsense in majority of this, because i tend to speak a lot. i just wanted to share this, because i have no one to talk about some of my gay shit with sometimes, like i do have friends but they are cis and straight so you know, plus i don’t really post on social media and my parents could find it you know. but on here they won’t ever find it.

(i sound like i’m out to my mom in part of this, just to make it clear, I AM NOT OUT TO ANY OF MY FAMILY, I JUST KIND OF DROP HINTS BY ACCIDENT IN FRONT OF MY MUM AND SISTER) and i forgot to mention that the day before this me and my mum were talking about something similar...kind of.

(oh and i added some pictures of sekizan and ebumi because yes and to brighten? the mood. HEHAHEHAHEHA) ← read that laugh exactly as weird as it looks because i’m stupid.

have a nice day, you are beautiful and i love you.