I don't know what to do wit my life. I'm a liar, and I just wanna die.

So everything I've put on this website and discord is basically a lie, all of my answers and trash. I'm actually a quite young girl (I'm not 18 yet) that has, for a very long time, wanted to become a man. For some reason, I just feel like being a man would be better. I crave warmth and love and someone to listen to me because I have no one to talk to. I live a huge lie. I've become addicted to masturbating and porn and yaoi because of that. My only goal in life has been to be perfect for my mother and father and make sure they're happy, despite what I face. I've told my parents that I will become a neurophysiologist, and I will have a PhD in medicine, a master's degree in math, science, physics, and engineering, but that all a lie. I just wanna die before I turn 30. The more lies I spill in front of my parents, the more it gets harder to imagine a good future with anyone because I feel like those lies will just crush me. The only future I can imagine is one where I suffer endlessly. The whole world is a prison for me, save for my bedroom. Entering my bedroom at the end of the day is so liberating because I can do whatever I want, and I don't have to wear that invisible mask I put on during the day. But even then, I can only sleep after strangling and cutting myself, crying, or masturbating. I was so emotional, but with each passing day, I become more and more devoid of emotion. I can bully someone without flinching, and violence makes me smile; when someone dies, a smile creeps up my face. I'm constantly hurting my sister and mother by spewing out nonsense without even a second thought. People have told me to just try and transition to become a male, but that would hurt my mom. My father is constantly nagging for my brother, sister and I too keep our grades up, but slowly my grades are dropping. I can no longer find a better reason to get out of bed than 'Mom and Dad will get mad at me' or I just tell myself 'Get off of the fucking bed you fucking worthless bitch.' Each day, my body aches more and my eyelids droop lower. Everything is becoming so hard. I made this account to make a new identity for myself, but it just makes me sadder because I'm just lying more.

Wow I got so carried away, but seriously I don't know what to do with my shitty life. What a large rant... (⊙_⊙ )