fell for my bestfriend or that's what i think

i remember how my only friend at that time in 6th grade introduced me to her. i was shifted to her section 2 years before that. she was the ideal student, top grades and cute face, with a flock of students always around her. i on the other hand was a loner, always cooped up in my shell and my grades were never constantly the best. i'd either be in top 3 or out of the board. soon i became a part of her group. we'd share our lunch and talk a bit tho it used to be mostly about homework. then in 7th grade there was a scouts and guides program held by our school, we were in the same group. we bonded during that time. before i knew it we had become closer than i'd thought we could ever be. we would fight like kids, tease each her and give weird nicknames to one another. some of the girls in my group of friends are very touchy (she's one of them). she'd always sit on my lap whenever there's no extra room for her to fit in (last to last yr when we were making the gift for our other bestfriend's birthday she wanted to sit on my shoulder. i was flustered back then but now it's so funny lmao).
from 8th to 10th grade the teachers would always make us sit separately because we'd never stop chatting and messing around. tho they would always team us up for competitions and other stuff.
so i never thought about the possibility of liking girls. i used to always shrug it off as admiration. the first time it really hit me that i like girls was when in 10th grade our history teacher was dictating us the last min revision notes and she put her head on my shoulder.
we were called to the first bench from the back. she didn't want to write the notes nor did she bring a pen so she was pretending to write. i'm too soft for her so agreed to write her notes too. in the middle of writing we fell in a comfortable silence. she watched me write down the notes and gradually shifted her head to rest it on my shoulder. my breath hitched and pink dusted my cheeks. for the first time in my life i had felt butterflies in my stomach. i tried to make some distance but she didn't remove her head for even a moment so i shifted back in my seat to put us to a more comfortable position while my heart thumped erratically in my chest.
then in the junior year of high school we remained in the same school but we were in different sections. her class was right beside mine and we would always exchange glances when i'd pass by her class. once, when i was passing by her class i didn't notice her and she shouted my nickname while still on her seat inside the class. her class which was in a chaos before that went silent. i was too embarrassed so i hurried back into my class.
i wrote poems and what not for her. now, a year later i keep questioning myself if these feelings were ever romantic or do i still like her more than my bestfriend and beyond my soul sister. when i came out to her she joked if i liked her or smthn. if only i could tell her. there were moments when we would chat and she'd say something wanting to do with me which usually lovers do but she'd always add 'as a friend' to it. it was agonizing to love her, it still is whenever i'm reminded of my feelings for her.
yet i will never not be able to refuse her if she ever asked me to go on a 2 a.m. walk with her under a sky full of stars and the gentle wind blowing over us as we chat without a care in the world.

wow, this turned out long.