i dont really know anymore

so im really young to be having thoughts like this but i dont really know if im happy ive thought about suicide but i dont know what would happen when i die. im aware that im an annoying person because everytime i talk and i feel like its unneccessary i say outloud to shut up to myself. i think my family is normal though i cant really say if it was abuse or not but my mom when i was in kindergarten had kinda anger issues. she used to do my hair to school everyday and when i moved and the tie broke she hit me and grabbed me by the hair multiple times. of course tho i remember happy memories like when she was in good humor and blasted music in the morning to drive me to elementary school. my dad says the teachers used to notice if i was hit or not so that makes me believe it was abuse. also i love my dad with all my soul he has never been violent to me or anything like that i just love him a lot that if i lost him i would consider killing myself. in my current situation tho im saying that i dont really know if im happy because i live with my mom and my stepfather. i think my mom is selfish but i dont think im perfect either. i believe she thinks shes the only one that can be depressed because when i tell her about my feeliings she mocks me and says im too young which makes me feel worthless really. with my step dad i dont have the best realtionship tbh, we get along but sometimes i feel hated by both of them because they only excuse my brother on things that when i do the complain. for example i sometimes eat constantly when i feel like shit so when they find out they argue with me, but when my brother takes stuff from the fridge they dont say anything to him. also may seem like a flex but i have really good grades it wasnt always like that tho. when my mom brought it up my stepfather didnt congratulate me only my brother which made feel like trash. my mom also made unnecessary comments like "ur grades are going down" when she tells me she doesnt even care. i think i get sad and mad about it because i think my grades are like my self worth so whenever i get 80 or below i cry and stuff like that. also with the whole covid thing i dont know what to do with it anymore. so on christmas i was with my dad and i didnt get infected or anything but when i spent new yrs at my moms it all went down. each one of the persons there started to get positive results and of course it even got for my step father and my mom. my mom and stepdad always went to parties and that stuff so i dont really know why i felt satysfaction when they got it even though they got it to me too. it was probably because i kept telling my mom not to go bc it was dangerous so when they didnt care and got it i just felt satisfied tbh. also on saturday i recieved the news that my mom has covid due to pneumonia or something like that but tbh idk why i dont feel anything abt it. i just dont feel bad or sad and idk if its because of my situation or bc i lack empathy. ALSO again I dont have the best attitude im not really perfect either way ,im told im really demanding with stuff and that sometimes i should just keep my mouth shut bc i answer too much. this is getting too large so ill giev my last bad memory with my mom. so when i was in 3rd grade my mom left my dad when i was just 1-3 yr old, i remember my dad sleeping all day on weekend which made me believe that he needed someone to spen memories with. on school there was this secretary-teacher perosn (that is now my stepmom) when i was on a private school my dad paid for i used to skip classes to be with her and eventually i introduced her to my dad and they got close so they married. my mom was super upset with me that she hit me on the middle of the street and tried to leave me at an abandoned church all my myself because she told me she wanted to get together with my dad again and that i ruined her plans so she didnt want me anymore. anyways this obvioulsy isnt the end bc theres alot of shit in my life like this but ill end this bc its so large already.