Realized I excused an asshole bcoz of his bared insecurities

I was rereading this red string themed BL and realized how much I excused him for his asshole personality. He written off as someone insecure and doubtful because he has had his heart broken too many times. Then comes someone who desired him so passionately. But the protagonists can be connected to anyone and all whom he loved always chose whoever their red strings were connected to. I understood that and even the tendencies that can come from it. I understood his denial, his cliché proposal to be sex friends, and falling in love but unable to come to terms with it. Then I started to realize how he took advantage of this person, how even if they promised to be honest with each other, he deliberately lies. How he didn't respect his partner's decision and even shut off other people who advices him to confront the problem.

The first time I read it, I was so hurt for the protagonist, rooting for him to get over his insecurities. But I was so wrong. I was excusing someone's actions against other people just because of how they felt. This person committed to a relationship, knowing the risks but chose to hurt his partner instead. He continually chose his own feelings and never took into consideration that he was hurting his partner. It was written in a way that he should be pitied and excused for it.

Like, NO. Assholes are assholes, whether they are the protagonists or side characters. We can't excuse actions that hurt others just because we are hurting. That's the toxic trait of bullies and abusive people. But because it's romantic to have someone chase for you, to have this story about love overcoming it, it's just the same ROMANTICIZATION of toxic traits. There's nothing heartwarming about it. We're tolerating this egoistic thought that we could be selfish just because we think that if we are really loved, we will be accepted. NO. That's not how it works.

Relationships are not egoistic. It's a problem to victimize ourselves and excuse our actions which hurts others. It's manipulative to think that "the world doesn't understand how much I'm hurting" while we're hurting others. If we truly love someone, and not ourselves, we correct that thinking and start looking at people who we say we love. Are we hurting them? Am I thinking about myself only? Am I treasuring them?

If not, WE are the problem. WE need to change. That same mindset must apply to protagonists. Just because they are hurting, we shouldn't excuse them for hurting others and thinking about how romantic it is that that they're still sought for. These POVs are messing with our minds because we relate to their pain and without knowing it, we might have excused their actions and subconsiously excuse ourselves.