I tried when I was really young

WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
PLS DON'T READ IF YOU GET UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THESE KINDS OF TOPICS (a bit long, sorry I really just had to let my feelings out in some way )

I never grew up with ANY parent figure, I mostly grew up with the internet
My mom worked abroad, my dad died, and my guardians had many children that they take care of. My brother always called me names making me really insecure

I remember back then, whenever I was having a hard time I would immediately think "I wish I was dead instead." Like, if I didn't finish a project or I was really publicly humiliated. It didn't help the fact that have severe asthma so I felt really miserable
At 7th grade, I tried to choke myself which didn't work, so I tried making a noose but the rope was really weak, none of my relatives were at home when I tried doing this things.

A year later I was doing better, but then a lot of things happened and I tried drinking bleach but I couldn't really do it, it tasted like shit, the only thing that kept me going was Haikyu, One Punch Man and BNHA

Now, 1 year later again, I have never told ANYBODY about the things I tried to do, but I still often find myself thinking of killing myself, Sometimes I wish I just get in an accident, and I'm starting to really hate the people around me, someones always fighting someone in the house and my cousin smokes inside the fricking house even tho he knows I have asthma, and it really stresses me out

But I'm trying to think positively but I don't think I can
That's why I'm always on my phone now, it's the only thing keeping me sane

I really want to talk about this with someone but I don't trust anyone in my personal circle with this information because I'm scared they might tell other people or adults ╥﹏╥