Im having suicidal thoughts
Heyy.. I just wanna share my frustrations and what I have been feeling for some time now or rather for along time.
These days, my thoughts have been nothing but killing myself. I already got my degree and I'm supposed to be reviewing for a licensure exam but due to COVID, the dates were already cancelled twice so I decided to look for a job. I was happy at first that I got in a well reputed company but just after staying for 3weeks I began to realize, I'm not happy.
Not just with what type of work I do but the course in general. i know I graduated and all but I just can't think of myself continuing like this. I always have a low self esteem because I know I'm dumb. I have no retention that I forget things that happened the other day or even just a while ago. This is one of the reason why I also had a hard time studying. I suck at expressing myself and Im no good with people.
i think one of the reason for this would be because I have low self esteem, I most of the time make a facade that I can do well. Despite being an idiot, my parents have high expectations from me and I really feel more dissapponted with myself when my parents even my relatives think I'm a baggage. I just feel like I can no longer carry on.
i have cats, dogs I try to condition and relax myself but the thoughts just won't go away. Everything is just tiring and I just want to take a rest for everything... Furthermore, I'm in a pinch because my parents are already seniors and my father's medical bill is expensive.
Let alone a lover, I can't even love myself. In fact, I hate me. I just want to disappear. Most people knew me as a serious and intelligent person but infact, I suck. I just suck. I think the only thing stopping me right now is the agony, guilt and embarrassment to people I'm leaving behind. I thought earning my keep will make me happy but in reality its not. I just want to disappear.
Messages
im so sorry you feel this way and im sorry i cant do anything to help. im terrible at giving advice and since im going through a similar thing, i dont really know what to say. but i know lots of people will miss you so please stay, if not for you, for them. i know this doesnt help but i genuinely hope things get better for you, stay strong
People thought of me as a straight laced person but in fact I'm not. I myself know my personality sucks. Everything about me sucks. I mean, for what reason am I living for? Not just because of the job per se, but the way I see myself. i just really suck at living. I no longer want to live. In fact, I'm waiting to die. For so long I thought recognition from others will make me happy, yet I myself is not happy. i'm making a fake facade that I'm happy. i really want to die. im just getting tired living with disappointments to myself. i love my family but Im just too sad and miserable to continue. How i wish to be good and smart like others.
Some say I should be contented with what I have, but people make expectations to me and being disappointed thereafter. They are not the only one who is disappointed. Me too. i keep hating myself. I want to relive my life and start a new. i always think if I die, I want to start doing things right from the younger age. im just feeling so many things right now and I want to just stop. i feel like I can no longer continue. should I be selfish and just stop? When will i have the courage exactly.
What if I just give up now. Im just so sad of the way things are right now. Being alive just sucks and I envy others who can smile and have fun. I also have friends but they also have expectations from me to do well.
Im so so tired. and imagine if someone will read this long ass whining of mine. Well, im barely holding. no one will genuinely care. A last will maybe