Scared

Ok, so this may be heavy or something for others but I just needed to find a place to let it out.
You see, I have had an almost fatal car crash 4 years ago that has left me disabled. Not only disabled, I am dying.
Fatally ill, let's say.
I can't do much stuff any longer, sometimes I don't even know what I am doing, and sometimes I pick a fight and I don't even know why. Sometimes I don't even know who I am (personality wise). Yes, the accident injury was on my head.
It broke the back of my skull, swollen brain and it caused to take the half right and half left out so that my brain wouldn't mush inside it.
I look normal now, though.
After leaving the hospital I tried to go back to work.
Alas, I couldn't. Not just because of mental health problems, but because of the injury in my brain.
After 3 years surviving on scraps and trying to get into seikatsuhogou (japanese pension for disabled people/incapable of working) and always being denied because I "look healthy".
They denied it over and over again and then I didn't have what to eat and couldn't pay my rent.
I survived this, and then my battle against the insurance company started for real.
I was horrified at how much they wanted to pay me. To pay someone whose entire life was stolen and now is disabled.
Who, now, is dying.
Alone.
I decided to hire a lawyer.
And then I met this guy who works for my lawyer and,
I was able to get into seikatsuhogou with the help of a lawyer/not lawyer guy.
He was fooling me; Trying to steal my money that I was going to receive.
Was able to shoo him away and kept on trying hard everyday.
I mean, that's what we gotta do, right?
Try
Try hard.
And then, since here in Japan is near winter and my health gets a turn to the worse during winter and the airports opened I just saw my chance to go back to my homecountry; I may be alone there. I may have no one, but it is still my home country, you know?
Nothing beats it.
So I told my lawyer to close the deal so that I can go back home.
I went to the city hall to cancel seikatsuhogou with the money to pay them back and all (they lend you money, not give you) and they refused.
They wanted me to show my financial status. I refused, because it is none of their business. I went with the full intent of paying them back with gratitude, even though they treated me like lower than a human being. So, why should I show it? Why? I want to pay, isn't that what matters? Since when can a city hall force you to show your financial status?
But then,
They threatened me,
They said they won't let me leave Japan,
They accused me of "washing money" (sorry if I got it wrong, you know, when you have more money than you say you do?)
They accused me of stealing,
They said they would call the police,
And we discussed for almost 3 hours,
And then they said the one thing. Just the one thing.
They refused to give me health insurance.
You see, I am dying. I need constant medical care.
I can't survive without it.
I panicked and showed the guy the papers and let him talk with my lawyer.
Then, I went back home.
I feel just so, so very ashamed of myself.
I just feel so weak, so...so pathetic to give in like that.
But I just felt so, so scared.
So scared for my life, that is already short.
Scared for myself, who is dying,
Scared of myself, who wants to do whatever the world can give me, even if I can't.
Scared of them, for denying and going as far as prohibiting me of my medical care.
Scared of the city hall guy, who knows that denying health care and going as far as trying to issue something to prohibit me from going is just the same as killing me.
It is the same as murder.
I was just so scared,
I am scared
And I don't have anyone to ask for help to,
I just...
We are supposed to try every day, but isn't this going too far? There is a limit as to where someone can try; To how far one can go.
I am tired.
I was scared,
And I am so ashamed of it,
But I honestly, honestly didn't know what else to do.
I didn't know.
I know this sounds like an excuse, but I really...I just got really...terrified.
I am terrified of dying.