I haven't tried to kill myself but haven't tried resisting either

I haven't really tried killing myself but I haven't tried resisting it either like for example when crossing the road, in my mind I'm thinking that I won't commit suicide no matter what, there's still demons inside my head who'll psuh my body move on its own without bothering for anything. It's like if a knife falls on my body, I'll just watch it unfold. I'll neither avoid it nor try to catch it.