TW~Number one person to hate me is what do you me

I really do hate myself so much. Till like I could remember from childhood I've always hated myself with a passion. I didnt know it was self harm when I was a child but I would scratch myself on the arm inside the elbow till it would become red and appear to cause red dots as if it was bleeding a bit. I've always hated how I looked because I was bullied by my 3 bestfriends and others and my family. They would mainly say I was fat and such. It hurt so much I decided to lose the weight but ended up with an ED and more mental illnesses. I lost a lot and still hated myself because I was fat and ugly and worthless. So many things pushed me to do this bc I bottled everything up and it was the start of my breaking point. On Christmas day was the worst. I felt so bad for how I was acting and it wasnt anyone's fault, I felt so uncomfortable being in public and disgusted with myself so I wondered off to just think and stayed quite which worried my family and it wasnt their fault they just wouldnt understand. Hours passed till we finally got home. I went into my room and got a little eyebrow shaver from my things. I hated myself so much I decided fo cut myself as punishment for everything that's happened to me or has caused. I did it in a place where no one would see which was my stomach, (2)high thigh, upper arm(2) but mainly on my stomach. I didnt want to do it on wrist or arms bc it would be obvious and hard to hide bc I was in sports. I continued this all the way to the next year up until almost end January. I've been clean for quite a while but the urges still come hard. The scarring has faded a bit from arm and thigh but still a bit visible. My stomach is still pretty visible but easy to hide since my style and preference was no problem.